Are you gay? Thank you for calling.

Keeper said I should write this one up after seeing a bullet pointed gay help page on Google.

Thank you for calling the Gay, Lesbian and questioning hotline. If you feel different from most press one now. (beep) You've acknowledged that you feel different from most. If you're male and know if you're a summer or winter press one now. If you're female and enjoy tennis press two now, golf press three, hockey press four, football press five, if all apply press six. If you're still listening to this message and like touching boobies press seven. If you're male and like touching boobies that have a penis growing near them press eight. (beep) You've pressed seven. If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one (beep)

Congratulations! You're not gay but are in fact an exhibitionist, to return to main menu press one, to go back press two (beep) If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one, if you prefer to be touching Drew Carrey's boobies press two, if you prefer to be touching another woman's boobies in the dark while not wearing clothes press three (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Congratulations! You're a lesbian. There have been many lesbians throughout time and not all have bad haircuts. Luckily the American Psychological Association decided in 1970 that being gay doesn't necessarily mean you're dysfunctional. However being a lesbian can guarantee some dysfunction in future relationships with psycho bitches, for more on dealing with psycho bitches press 17. Anyway, you're one of the ten percent of woman who prefer the hole to the pole. For more on hole maintenance press 9. To start over press 4. To speak to someone who can give you far more answers than these generalizations press zero now. To end this call press 6 or hang up now. (beep)

Thank you for acknowledging that you're a big queermo,we wish you luck in navigating through the straight world and if you live in the following states SouthCarolina, Alabama, Kentucky or Utah run to the nearest Greyhound station and get your gay ass on a bus to NewYork.

I feel dirty, yet oddly entertained

While puttering my apartment last night I flipped channels and found The Biggest Loser. It's yet another "competition" reality show where the participants compete to see who can lose the most weight. The contestants ranged from needs to lose 20 or 30 pounds to would rather swallow Jared whole than go on a subway diet.

The way it works is there's a red team and a blue team and whichever team is "The Biggest Loser" wins for the week. Each team is given some hard body personal trainer who regulates their diet and exercise. But the kicker is that the thing is hosted by Carolyn Rhea. I don't know what rock they dug her up from (and I honestly don't know how I know who she is.) but she's awfully close in weight to some of the contestants.

The show overall managed to not be as exploitive as it could have been, although in the beginning all the contestants had to get weighed in their bathing suits. (I put down that last Triscuit during this part.) And one cruel segment did have them come down for breakfast to find a whole table full of eggs, pancakes, sausage and bacon. And it kind of sucks that someone has to be kicked out of the house each week, left to run wild down the neon arch lined boulevard of life. But in this Dr. Phil world of baring your demons for a national television audience what do you expect on a Tuesday night?

I should have just listened to the radio until Scrubs came on.

The debates are kinda like watching a Ravens game

I get to stand up and yell and curse at the TV. Plus there's a pre-game and post game show. Keeper, Means and I watched last night. We were heavily distracted through most of it by the foaming glob of goo in the corner of Bush's mouth (that's the lyin' saying "howdy").

But here's a good read and debate analysis.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/blog/10/13/klein.blog/

Bette Midler has a big dick

A couple nights ago I went with TwizMom to see Bette Midler. I'm not a huge fan plus the fact that evil Twiz-Ex liked her a lot, soured me on Bette. But TwizStepfather's Brother gave TwizMom a couple tickets and since TwizStepfather didn't want to go, I was the lucky one. (keeping the Twiz family lineage straight?)

Now the Twiz family lives in a mostly Jewish area and before we had taken our seats, TwizMom saw about half the neighborhood. (the Tribe loves them some Bette Midler). I saw a bunch of Gay people too (the Gays obviously love Bette Midler). Being Gay and Jewish, I fit right in.

Overall the show was really entertaining. Bette went off on the current administration ("Cheney's website is gofuckyourself.org"), Britney Spear's marriage (A tune called the Britney Bunch about a family of back-up dancers) , Viagra spam mail ("Like my dick isn't big enough."), and she did a really good tribute to Rosemary Clooney. I could have done without some of the slow sappy songs but TwizMom seemed to like them so that's ok.

Keeper said I was a pussy if I cried at Wind Beneath my Wings but I managed to keep it together so I guess I'm still a stone cold Bizaytch.

I would have been more informed watching the Queer Eye Rerun

From Urbandictionary.com

debate n. an arena where people with opposing views go to hit each other with pillows. These arenas, which are padded and full of fun obstacles, are constructed so that a person who feels very strongly about some issue may seek out a counterpart who disagrees just as strongly and then they can swat each other with heavy pillows. Some political debates are taxpayer-funded because everyone benefits one way or another, either through watching folks (often pompous fat men) engage in spirited pillow fights or through the eventual reduction in overbearing attempts to legislate other people's behavior. After a good debate, the two dueling parties are encouraged to sit down together and have a nice cool smoothie.

So last night Pancake City came over with a sixer of Yingling and we watched the VP (I'll be he grinds his teeth in his sleep) square off against Mr. FakeSmileMan aka John Edwards. Pancake is a lot more into politics than I am so if I were you, I'd go over to his site for actual content analysis. It was the usual political slop.

Iraq situation under control

Iraq situation not under control

Many new US jobs

Not so many new US jobs

Marriage is between a man and a woman

Yep

I kind of woke up and smelt the hypocrisy at that point, or maybe it was my dog farting cause the hypocrisy was thick like Cheney's neck from the beginning. And speaking of Cheney, his big dyke Mark Hamil looking daughter came out at the end looking fresh from a makeover. She even had the same hairdo as Mom. Awww. Edwards wife and kids came out too and I couldn't help but keep my eyes on the Badonka Donk Donk. At least Edwards and I have that in common, we like women with a little junk in the trunk. Tasty.

Friday, roundtable with Bush and Kerry. But it's on at the same time as $40 Dollars a Day so that'll be a toss up.

Raven idiot

I know this is mainly about pop culture events and such but, C'MON RAVENS WTF? You got beat by an 0-3 team. Jeesh!

But in a less serious note than the NFL, tonight is the first and only Vice Presidential debate. Pancake City and I will be watching this one together. So, I won't feel so pathetic doing beer bongs by myself (and it is recommened that you don't watch these things too sober.) More tomorrow.