Friday, October 29, 2004

Are you gay? Thank you for calling.

Keeper said I should write this one up after seeing a bullet pointed gay help page on Google.

Thank you for calling the Gay, Lesbian and questioning hotline. If you feel different from most press one now. (beep) You've acknowledged that you feel different from most. If you're male and know if you're a summer or winter press one now. If you're female and enjoy tennis press two now, golf press three, hockey press four, football press five, if all apply press six. If you're still listening to this message and like touching boobies press seven. If you're male and like touching boobies that have a penis growing near them press eight. (beep) You've pressed seven. If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one (beep)

Congratulations! You're not gay but are in fact an exhibitionist, to return to main menu press one, to go back press two (beep) If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one, if you prefer to be touching Drew Carrey's boobies press two, if you prefer to be touching another woman's boobies in the dark while not wearing clothes press three (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Congratulations! You're a lesbian. There have been many lesbians throughout time and not all have bad haircuts. Luckily the American Psychological Association decided in 1970 that being gay doesn't necessarily mean you're dysfunctional. However being a lesbian can guarantee some dysfunction in future relationships with psycho bitches, for more on dealing with psycho bitches press 17. Anyway, you're one of the ten percent of woman who prefer the hole to the pole. For more on hole maintenance press 9. To start over press 4. To speak to someone who can give you far more answers than these generalizations press zero now. To end this call press 6 or hang up now. (beep)

Thank you for acknowledging that you're a big queermo,we wish you luck in navigating through the straight world and if you live in the following states SouthCarolina, Alabama, Kentucky or Utah run to the nearest Greyhound station and get your gay ass on a bus to NewYork.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Team America, Fuck Nah!

So I saw Team America: World Police this past weekend and I would really like to tell Trey Parker and Matt Stone that I am "very disappointed in you two young men." This movie was, in a word, boring.

I'm a pretty big fan of Parker and Stone's work. I enjoy South Park and thought the South Park movie was fucking brilliant. I've even seen Orgazmo for Christ's sake! I went into this movie with high expectations of laughing my ass off while the boys made fun of action movies, super-ultra-patriots, and America's current attitude towards "stomping out terrorism." Instead, the prevailing joke seemed to be: "Look how funny puppets are! When they look funny walking! And aren't puppets funny when they curse and puke! And puppets are funny when they have sex! In funny puppet-sex positions! Puppets! Are! Funny!" And after about 10 minutes of this, puppets really do cease to be funny. I wasn't even particularly amused at the great, big giant dump they attempted to make all over certain Hollywood stars who fancy themselves as great political forces. For one thing, it wasn't funny. And for another, in today's society, more people recognize those Hollywood stars far more often than the great political thinkers of our time, so why not make fun of that? Because if I want to make fun of Hollywood stars, I can do that at home for free.

I was also a little disturbed because there were four or five kids in the audience (one of whom was sitting right in front of me) who all appeared under the age of 12. They were all there with adults, but still. Why is it, that for many people, puppets (or cartoons)=kid friendly? I don't get it. There was a lot of violence. Sure, it was of the puppet variety, but does that make it any less disturbing, when you really think about it?

All in all, folks, my opinion is that Parker and Stone phoned this one it. Too bad. Right now there is so much going on that's just begging for a good skewering, and they dropped the kabob stick. I will give them props, though, because the best scene of the movie involved two cats, and everyone knows that I loves me some cats!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

I feel dirty, yet oddly entertained

While puttering my apartment last night I flipped channels and found The Biggest Loser. It's yet another "competition" reality show where the participants compete to see who can lose the most weight. The contestants ranged from needs to lose 20 or 30 pounds to would rather swallow Jared whole than go on a subway diet.

The way it works is there's a red team and a blue team and whichever team is "The Biggest Loser" wins for the week. Each team is given some hard body personal trainer who regulates their diet and exercise. But the kicker is that the thing is hosted by Carolyn Rhea. I don't know what rock they dug her up from (and I honestly don't know how I know who she is.) but she's awfully close in weight to some of the contestants.

The show overall managed to not be as exploitive as it could have been, although in the beginning all the contestants had to get weighed in their bathing suits. (I put down that last Triscuit during this part.) And one cruel segment did have them come down for breakfast to find a whole table full of eggs, pancakes, sausage and bacon. And it kind of sucks that someone has to be kicked out of the house each week, left to run wild down the neon arch lined boulevard of life. But in this Dr. Phil world of baring your demons for a national television audience what do you expect on a Tuesday night?

I should have just listened to the radio until Scrubs came on.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Best Line From a TV Sitcom Ever (at least until another one strikes my fancy)

"People are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling."

I can't believe sometimes I forget to watch Scrubs. It is my new favorite TV show. (At least until The Amazing Race starts up again. Or Six Feet Under.) People, why didn't any of you start calling and reminding me to watch Scrubs? It's taken me this long to remember to watch it every week. Well, every week for the past two weeks, which is really no sort of record or anything. But this show is funny with a capital FUN. Don't be as stupid as me. Go watch it now.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

My Thoughts on Last Night's Debate by Keepergirl

stupid ass motherfucking cock smoking idiot condescending bitch ass punk fuckers goddamn self-congratulating boring ass tit sucking gay bashing women hating flip-flopping (yeah, i said it) fucking fucker lying liar son of a whore asshat redundant winking wired drooling (literally) name dropping big word usin' dick cheney puppets ketchup loving coke snortin freakin dumbasses apparently think i am an idiot. maybe i am, but i am an idiot that VOTES.

i'm so annoyed and angry i can't even curse creatively. goddammmit.

The debates are kinda like watching a Ravens game

I get to stand up and yell and curse at the TV. Plus there's a pre-game and post game show. Keeper, Means and I watched last night. We were heavily distracted through most of it by the foaming glob of goo in the corner of Bush's mouth (that's the lyin' saying "howdy").

But here's a good read and debate analysis.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Bette Midler has a big dick

A couple nights ago I went with TwizMom to see Bette Midler. I'm not a huge fan plus the fact that evil Twiz-Ex liked her a lot, soured me on Bette. But TwizStepfather's Brother gave TwizMom a couple tickets and since TwizStepfather didn't want to go, I was the lucky one. (keeping the Twiz family lineage straight?)

Now the Twiz family lives in a mostly Jewish area and before we had taken our seats, TwizMom saw about half the neighborhood. (the Tribe loves them some Bette Midler). I saw a bunch of Gay people too (the Gays obviously love Bette Midler). Being Gay and Jewish, I fit right in.

Overall the show was really entertaining. Bette went off on the current administration ("Cheney's website is"), Britney Spear's marriage (A tune called the Britney Bunch about a family of back-up dancers) , Viagra spam mail ("Like my dick isn't big enough."), and she did a really good tribute to Rosemary Clooney. I could have done without some of the slow sappy songs but TwizMom seemed to like them so that's ok.

Keeper said I was a pussy if I cried at Wind Beneath my Wings but I managed to keep it together so I guess I'm still a stone cold Bizaytch.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Fallon Off My TV

So I was watching Saturday Night Live last night, thinking that it was actually pretty funny. Queen Latifah was the host, and they did some funny stuff with the debates and Martha Stewart, and one of the funniest fake commercials I have seen in years (for Exederan for Racial Tension Headaches.) I was thinking how much better the show is now that it's not The Jimmy Fallon Show. Then I heard the promo for next week: The Best of Jimmy Fallon.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I would have been more informed watching the Queer Eye Rerun


debate n. an arena where people with opposing views go to hit each other with pillows. These arenas, which are padded and full of fun obstacles, are constructed so that a person who feels very strongly about some issue may seek out a counterpart who disagrees just as strongly and then they can swat each other with heavy pillows. Some political debates are taxpayer-funded because everyone benefits one way or another, either through watching folks (often pompous fat men) engage in spirited pillow fights or through the eventual reduction in overbearing attempts to legislate other people's behavior. After a good debate, the two dueling parties are encouraged to sit down together and have a nice cool smoothie.

So last night Pancake City came over with a sixer of Yingling and we watched the VP (I'll be he grinds his teeth in his sleep) square off against Mr. FakeSmileMan aka John Edwards. Pancake is a lot more into politics than I am so if I were you, I'd go over to his site for actual content analysis. It was the usual political slop.

Iraq situation under control

Iraq situation not under control

Many new US jobs

Not so many new US jobs

Marriage is between a man and a woman


I kind of woke up and smelt the hypocrisy at that point, or maybe it was my dog farting cause the hypocrisy was thick like Cheney's neck from the beginning. And speaking of Cheney, his big dyke Mark Hamil looking daughter came out at the end looking fresh from a makeover. She even had the same hairdo as Mom. Awww. Edwards wife and kids came out too and I couldn't help but keep my eyes on the Badonka Donk Donk. At least Edwards and I have that in common, we like women with a little junk in the trunk. Tasty.

Friday, roundtable with Bush and Kerry. But it's on at the same time as $40 Dollars a Day so that'll be a toss up.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Rachael Ray's Block Party in My Pants

Okay, so just about anyone who knows me knows that I am a fan of Rachael Ray. And a few people who know that I am a fan of Rachael Ray know that I am a fan less because of the food she cooks and more because she is about 17 kinds of hot. And now that Martha is on her way to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison somewhere in West Virginia, Rachael Ray is poised to become the new Queen of the Food Network. She already had two shows, 30 Minute Meals (now shown two times per day since it seems FoodTV won't show Martha's show while she's in the clink. Style Network is not so classy.) and $40 A Day, and has a new one starting soon where she hangs out with celebrities. (No, I don't know what it is called because whenever I see the commercial for it I am too busy staring at her boobies.)

Rachael Ray can cook. Rachael Ray has a little junk in the trunk, which I like. Sometimes on her shows, Rachael Ray wears a tank top. Rachael Ray has a great smile and a way of sometimes looking out from under her eyebrows that is very hot mama. (Check the picture on her Food Network bio page linked above for any example of this.) And Rachael Ray likes to eat, which is a quality I admire in women (and no, not in any sort of gross and perverted way. I just mean that skinny women who eat nothing but salads and air are annoying. Probably because they are hungry. But I digress.)

So it's no surprise that I settled in on my couch is past Sunday night to watch Rachael Ray's Block Party. And in this show, there were many examples of why Rachael Ray bugs the everlovin', godfearin', all-holy-hell of of me. Besides the constant use of the abbreviation EVOO for Extra Virgin Olive Oil (which in and of itself is not annoying, until, in her next breath, she explains that EVOO stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil, which kind of defeats the purpose of an abbreviation) and the constant giggle giggle giggle. No, what really got to me in this particular show is that Rachael Ray was coming off as some sort of sexist. No, really. There was a whole segment about grilling these mini-hamburgers, and she kept talking about how the men got the grill ready for her. Then she proceeded to tell all these men how she doesn't even like to grill because it makes her smell like jerky. And that would have been okay, but she firmly stepped in it when she said that all women don't want to grill for that reason, but the men can grill because men smell good when they smell like jerky. WTF? This is a woman that, on an episode of 30 Minute Meals just the other day said that she uses so much garlic that she always smells like Italian sausage and that she's lucky she has a boyfriend who likes that. Also, she did several segments of the Block Party where she was cooking with kids (because this show is part of the Food Network's Cook With Your Kids week, which I would totally participate in, but my cat doesn't have opposable thumbs.) During one segment, she was making lemonade with these two girls (and totally making them do the hard part, which is squeezing the lemons) and when they told her they were in junior high, she was all oooh, I bet you like boys and have boyfriends and like to kiss the boys and aren't I like your cool aunt Rachael talking to you about that boy in your history class that is just soooooo cute! and when one of them said she didn't because she thought they were immature and obnoxious (which, as I remember, many boys of that age are) Rachael just dismissed it with an oh, that will change soon. Rach! Teenage pregnancy rates are sky-high! Let that girl hate boys for awhile! Plus, whenever she does segments with boys, she tells them how knowing how to cook will help them get chicks later on. Good job, Rach! Show those young impressionable boys how to mack! Jeez.

So the lesson here, kids, is this: girls who smell like jerky=bad, but girls who smell like Italian sausage=good. And yes, Rachael Ray is hot. Maybe I'll start utilizing the "mute" button on my remote control a little more often.

P.S. Rachael Ray, if you are reading this, I didn't mean anything I said above, except for the parts where I say you are pretty and please feel free to call or email anytime.

Raven idiot

I know this is mainly about pop culture events and such but, C'MON RAVENS WTF? You got beat by an 0-3 team. Jeesh!

But in a less serious note than the NFL, tonight is the first and only Vice Presidential debate. Pancake City and I will be watching this one together. So, I won't feel so pathetic doing beer bongs by myself (and it is recommened that you don't watch these things too sober.) More tomorrow.