Thursday, December 30, 2004

Trash Talkin' Tsunami

We're being serious for a moment here people. The devastation is incomprehensible but it's very easy to take a few minutes and donate some spare cash. If you don't know who to give to this link gives you options. Thanks.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Don't want to be an American Idiot

I've been quite lackadaisical in posting stories of truth and triumph other wise known as "The Dumbest fucking thing some shithead American did."

Dog smashes truck into store

SPRINGDALE, Arkansas (AP) -- Michael Henson left the auto parts store with more problems than when he arrived. For that, he can thank his dog.

Henson, whose truck had been experiencing a sticking throttle, left his dog in the truck when he went into the O'Reilly Auto Parts store in Springdale on Sunday.

"He'd left the truck running -- I guess to show the people at O'Reilly's -- and the dog jumped over and knocked the truck into gear," police Sgt. Billy Turnbough said.
The truck raced into the building, stunning Henson and clerk Josh Hopper.
"The guy said he was standing there, looked up, and saw his dog driving his truck through the building," Turnbough said.

Hopper said he heard the crash and looked up from the transaction.
"His truck was in the window," Hopper said. "I thought, 'Oh no.' Everybody was fine. His front left tire just made it onto the brick wall."
No one was hurt and no citations were issued, police said.

Sidenote: Later tests revealed the dog was in fact drunk and has since hired Alan Dershowitz to represent him on episode #5569 of Judge Judy titled "Forget the bone, Give that Dog a 40 - Joy Ride to Nowhere."

Monday, December 27, 2004

Politically incorrect word of the day

Fucktard (n.) from the english words "fuck" and "retard."

Combination curse words are a fresh and creative way to express one's displeasure at the world around you.

For instance, "My fucktard landlord left for vacation the day the boiler went up leaving me with no goddamn heat." (and for added emphasis) "Which fucking sucks because it's fucking 19 degrees outside."

Things I'm doing today while working answering phones that aren't ringing

-noticing just how dry the skin on my butt and legs are

-fixating on my impending cramps

-obsessively checking my three email accounts only to discover I can get a good rate on a visa gold card, win a sony playstation by clicking "here", my grandmother likes to forward me things with fuzzy pink animals hugging each other, and my headhunter wants me to attend a party to introduce me to a new headhunter instead of an actual job.

-staring at the bag of half eaten carrots I have while thinking about which cubes could contain leftover Christmas chocolate.

-being cold

-getting hit on by mailroom temp while mentioning my "boyfriend" since I don't want to deal with gay questions today.

-realizing vanilla handcream makes you smell like a virgin pina colada.

-checking every club's website to see who's coming there even though I hardly go to shows anymore.

-forcing a smile whenever someone looks at me.

-picking dog/cat hair off my fleece.

-looking at the carrots some more.

-trying to find new joints to crack.




Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Muscle bound corruption

Part of my job as temp-bitch is to forward e-faxes along to the person they're suppose to go to. I keep having to send some to a woman named Sara O'Connor except everytime I see her name I have Arnold Schwarzenegger in my head saying "Saaaraaa Chauhnor" like he did in the Terminator. I haven't seen that movie in forever. My brain must be getting back at me for smoking too much weed in college.

Monday, December 20, 2004

So blankety blank in need of sugar I'm eating a Goddamn candycane

There was a lone rolo up here in my temp-receptionist space but the girl who relieved me for lunch must of eaten it. It's really hard to be cheery when you're going on four hours of sleep due to the fact that a) people can't friggin' drive when the weather is less than perfect and b) your team quite possibly blew their playoff chances last night so when you did sleep you had messed up football dreams.

I'm down to the handle part of the candy cane. I wonder if I put one end in my my mouth and let the other end go up my nose people would think twice about asking me questions I don't know the answer to. Well I would have minty mucus. mmm, minty mucus.

It's no longer up my nose since it's hard to answer the phone that way. Now I'm chewing it and the minty goodness is sticking to my fillings. I hope I don't end up yanking them out because I don't have any dental insurance. "Sorry mom I charged 689 dollars to your credit card cause i ate a stale candy cane and needed an emergency filling." But I guess if that happens I should put it on my credit card...screw it. It's the season of giving, and sheer stupidity should count for something.

Friday, December 17, 2004

do things, do things, do bad things with it

Dear Mark Burnett & Donald Trump,

Apprentice 1 was awesome, awesome, awesome. Apprentice 2 sucked elephant balls. Please make neccessary adjustments before Apprentice 3 starts, even though I won't be watching.

Hugs and kisses,
Keepergirl

P.S. You should have hired Pamela. Also, please give Carolyn her own show.

Monday, December 13, 2004

I'm the Illest Motherfucker from here to Gardinia

Why VH-1 Classic, why?! Why did you play The Beastie Boys - So, Whacha Want. I'm not that old am I? Didn't I just bounce off the walls of my dorm to that one while drinking 40's with my roommate? That did happen last week, or was it 12 years ago? I can't remember. I think the entire family of VH-1 channels are here as a reflective tool. They're all a bunch of shows going "do you remember the night when." and "douge youu remember when..." and "you sucked so bad when you ate that rotten turnip." I'm just going to stick to watching Racheal Ray. She doesn't make me feel old, only mildly irritated.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Just not interested in that apple

Sorry apple, but I'm just not interested in eating you. This time of year your fiber rich goodness is overshadowed by buckets of chocolate and Christmas cookies. Perhaps if you were baked in a delectable pie crust or even drenched in carmel I'd find you more appealing..ha! get it? Appealing! I'm sorry I know this isn't the time to be joking but dammit apple, you make it so easy! But I digress and I'll let you rest..in the bottom of my backpack.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Big Dumb Stupid Vh-1 in '04

I tried to watch the VH-1 Big in '04 awards the other night. But even the few minutes I managed to watch were complete and utter crap. How is this an awards show? Basically they tried to take their usual shows (list shows, pop culture discussion shows) and tried to make them into an awards show. And it didn't work. Vh-1 loves their discussion shows and their countdown shows. I mean I loved I Love the 70s, 80s, 90s. I even love the weekly recap they do called Best Week Ever. Actually, shows like that are my frickin' dream job. But why try to name what pop-culture crapfest is the BIGGEST of the year. Stupid.

But I did see one wonderful, terrifying thing from VH-1 Big in '04: Brigiette Nielson, Flavor Flav, and Anna Nicole Smith sharing the same stage. Whomever coordinated that train wreck is a motherfucking genius. And then I learned one more wonderful, terrifying thing: VH-1 has given Brigitte Nielson and Flavor Flav their own reality show, (a spin-off from The Surreal Life it would seem) that begins airing in January. I think it's called Strange Love. Oh my. I totally need help, because I WILL WATCH THIS SHOW. I have a sickness.

In a related note, what does it say about me that I like a good number of the songs from the 20 Most Awesomely Bad Songs of 2004? In my defense, I do like them because they are bad. Yeah, that's it!