Monday, January 31, 2005

We heart Amy Sedaris

She makes her own cheese balls. She claims to live near a lesbian bar called Lickety Splits (five drink minimum), Strangers with Candy was one of the coolest (and weirdest) shows ever on TV: and now she's hosting some cheesy movie fest on lifetime TV. Amy Sedaris, I hope one day we can sit down with a spoon, a jar of peanut butter some fluff and a quart of tequila.

Friday, January 28, 2005

What a load of crap.

No seriously. What a load of crap!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Probably no one cares about this but me

But! The greatest band in the world is releasing their new album the day after my birthday! If you don't know about or listen to Sleater-Kinney I highly recommend you check them out.

If you want to I-Tune some tracks, some of my favorites in no particular order are:

-Dance Song '97
-Dig Me Out
-Little Babies
-Get Up
-You're No Rock N' Roll Fun
(for some reason the guitar solo from this one pops up as back ground fodder on VH-1 and MTV from time to time.)
-I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone
-Ballad of a Ladyman
-Combat Rock

I know Keeper is holding her hands to her ears in anticipation of this album but that's what headphones and driving alone are for!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

lesuirely watching tv

So tonight I caught the beginning of the rerun of last week's Apprentice on CNBC (because they show the rerun a lot because clearly they don't have enough programming) and I have just one question: Did they let The Donald do his own makeup? Really.

And even though I don't plan to watch this season faithfully, I already have a favorite candidate: the Guy in the Red Leisure Suit. Because, RED LEISURE SUIT!

Wha, Wha, What!

Well the last and largest of Hollywood's award J.O. fest have been announced. And of course TTR disagrees with a lot of the nominees for the 77th Oscar awards. First off how can Fahrenheit 911 not even be nominated in the best doc category?! Granted SuperSize Me was a big hit and entertaining (and I haven't seen the other ones) but come on! Is the Academy so friggin' scared of Michael Moore making a scene? Well that is what he does but show some balls people!

And no nods to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou? It at least deserves a best costume or art direction nod, if for nothing else the red hats and speedos.

Other complaints include: Does Jamie Foxx really need to be nominated in best actor and best supporting actor? Just a few short years ago he was playing a semi-retarded looking woman on In Living Color; I haven't seen Sideways yet, but I like Paul Giamatti as an actor. They forgot him with American Splendor and they're forgetting him now; Not even a best screenplay bid for Garden State? BOOOO!; No best picture for The Incredibles? It deserves so much more than to just beat Shark Tales in the best Animated Feature category.

I do however have to give the Academy kudos for nominating two Twizler pretend celebrity girlfriends in the Best Actress category. Yay Kate Winslet with multiple hair colors in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (If I ran things this would be up for best picture too)! I still love you Hilary Swank and I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby yet but Kate hasn't won before, it's about freakin' time!

But despite all our bitching (well Keeper will probably bitch when she sees this) we'll still watch the 18 hour event, hope someone does something remarkably stupid. And at the very least see some horrid displays of red carpet couture. Tune in the last Sunday in Feb to watch.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Trash Talkin' Joke of the Day

Thanks Rich for this Hum Dinger, Zinger, Kip Winger of a knee slapper.

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Thursday, January 20, 2005

On Jan. 20th Jason's helping us not want to throw heavy things at other people

Pancake City's keepin' it real y'all!

Black Thursday Started Yesterday


Big fur and Bush's Ohio "luck"

The Republicans have begun to flood into the nation's capital for what they're calling W2, and so far it seems that the hotels and bars are the prime beneficiaries. It's certainly not the people of the District. They're the ones who will be stuck with the road closures, the intense security and a big chunk of the bill for it all. Among the hardest hit of District residents: the homeless, who will find many of the services they need curtailed because charitable groups can't get through the security barriers erected downtown.

Such concerns seemed a million miles away inside the bar at the Ritz-Carlton Tuesday night, where the first waves of well-heeled Republicans gathered for inauguration-themed drinks and $25 cigars. Braced against outdoor temperatures in the teens, GOP women from near and far -- mostly far -- wore so much fur that entire species of critters must be dead somewhere. A big bowl of Ohio buckeyes sat on a table near the front door, a symbol, the sign said, of the "good luck" Bush enjoyed when he won that state. The residents of Washington should be so lucky.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

You Make the joke! (part deux)

Since last week's overwhelming response to you make the joke (we got one!) here's a new news worthy event to snark on.

Game delayed by dog's doings

January 18, 2005

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- Who didn't let the dog out?
A stink was raised during halftime of the Detroit Pistons-Orlando Magic NBA game on Tuesday night when the start of the second half was delayed by three minutes after a seeing-eye dog relieved itself on the court.
The dog was with a charity organization, Canine Companions for Independence, that was receiving a $10,000 donation from the Orlando Magic Youth Foundation.
When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.
A custodian was enlisted to scoop up the mess and wipe up the remains with cleaner, a mop and towels.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Bitchy McBitchface Temp

Apparently my head set isn't working so it's hard for people to hear me when I answer the phone. I'm still playing part-time receptionist at a large office that gets a lot of calls. The guy who just called told me I sounded about a million miles away which I've been hearing all day. I guess I snapped and told him I was in fact 2.2 Billion miles away and was transmitting from the Satellite that just landed on Titan (one of Saturn's moons.) He then told me he couldn't hear me again so I hung up on him. I think I need a nap.

I know this isn't really a TTR kind of post but I don't feel like writing on livejournal right now.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Got the wings of heaven on my shoes

Last night on HBO I got to see one of my favorite bad movies of all time: Staying Alive. Oh what a steaming pile of 80s crap this is and I, for one, can't get enough. Sylvester Stallone outdid himself with this one. But for years, I must admit, I hid an internal struggle ... which was the superior good bad movie: Staying Alive or Grease 2? It's a tough call, admittedly, and I myself have gone back and forth between the two. Both have awesomely bad music. Grease 2 gave us such gems as "Do It For Our Country" and "Reproduction" (where does the pollen go?) and my personal favorite, "Cool Rider." Much of the music in Staying Alive was written by one Mr. Frank Stallone (who also had a small part in the film) and I have to say that since last night I've had "Far From Over" stuck on a continuous loop in my head. And I am continually amazed that Cynthia Rhodes (a.k.a. Mrs. Richard Marx) manages to perform "Finding Out the Hard Way" while crying. (We may never know if she was crying because her agent made her do this movie or if she is really just that good of an actor.) Both movies have craptacular dancing, and I must say that that those in Grease 2 are superior. The bowling scene? The sex-ed class scene? Both worthy of Fosse. The big dance number in Staying Alive was a broadway show called Satan's Alley and I must say, it want to make me tell whoever choreographed that crap to go to hell. (Sorry for the lame joke.)

So here's the rub: Both the music and the dancing were superior in Grease 2. (I'm not even going to comment on the acting, because, girl, please.) But I still find that Staying Alive is the better movie. And I feel I've finally figured out why: John Travolta. You see, both movies are sequels to blockbuster films (no, I didn't bother looking up whether or not they were truly blockbuster) starring The Travolta, but only one of them actually features The Travolta, and that, in and of itself, makes it the superior film. Would Look Who's Talking Too? have worked without The Travolta? Hell, no. There's no way Kirstie Alley could have carried that shit by herself, and that's the problem with Grease 2. Michelle Pfeffer is a fine actress and did the best she could, but with Maxwell Caufield there dragging her down, there was just no hope.

So folks, check your local listings for additional airings of Staying Alive on one of the 137 HBO channels. I dare you NOT to dance around your living room during the closing credits. "Strut!," indeed.

You make the joke!

You know on Football games they sometimes have a "you make the call" piece where the viewer at home gets to play ref? Well after reading this story (and I so want to vacation there) there were just too many jokes for me to go with. So, our loyal (2 or 3) readers I challange you to snark duel!

Monday, January 10, 2005

Starting Over Conversation in the lunch room at my temp job

Employee 1: What we watchin?

Employee 2: Starting Over

Employee 1: What they startin' over from?

Employee 3: They startin' over from being messed up.

Employee 1: Well at 12:30 we switchen over to Young and the Restless.

Employee 3: Is that the one that has Vampires on it?

Employee 1: There ain't no Vampires on it. It's good!

Employee 2: I was here first.

Employee 1: Give me some of your sandwhich and we'll keep it on this mess.

Employee 2: Are you serious?

Employee 1: No, I'm going to sit here and take a nap anyway. I don't care what we watch.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Tools of the Trade

Yesterday Keeper sent me this article about a guy who's already in line to buy Star Wars Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith tickets. My first reaction of course is that this guy needs to get a life. I mean we all love the holy trilogy. From whinny Luke, to Princess Leah's baffling British accent that suddenly goes away, to Fat X-Wing Fighter Pilot - it's us kids of the 70's and 80's childhood in three flicks. But this douche is waiting for the crappy third installment of the prequel? Something's wrong.

I however have a theory. Remember the tobacco farmer who blocked traffic for days in the middle of DC? It's totally the same guy. They both have beards, they both seem to be able to brave the elements, they both seem to not need a toilet and they're both complete tools!

Oh, oh! Or maybe it's the Fat X-Wing Guy back for revenge! He's pissed that they blew him up after he was on screen for like five seconds. He's all "Dammit, I won that role fair and square for being the best Scottie (over 300 lbs.) at the 1975 Yuma Star Trek Convention. I'm going to get my 15 minutes if it takes me 30 years!" That's so who it is! With my sleuthing skills, it's a wonder I don't work for the FBI people.

I'm special too!

Jason reached deep down inside of his soul (and quite possibly bowles) and drew a cartoon for yours truly too! Keeper can't have all the fun.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Reason #234 why NASCAR is so popular in this country

I can't believe the toilet bowl cleaner warning won this year's Wackiest Warning lables contest. In my opinion, the hand's down winner is the digital thermometer warning about not putting it in your mouth after it has been in your ass. (unless of course you're into that kind of thing.)

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Jason Is The Shit

Jason drew me a cartoon because I asked him too. Isn't he awesome? Anyone who combines poop and Carott Top is a friend of mine.

Breaking News on

Dude! If I was a six foot tall Victoria's Secret supermodel, I would not be engaged to the guy who sung Kiss From a Rose. What kind of shit pile song is that? I mean Crazy was ok but c' what's the deal with the crap on his face?

Supermodel Heidi Klum, Seal Engaged

NEW YORK - German supermodel Heidi Klum and singer Seal are engaged to be married, Klum announced on her Web site.

"We affianced on a glacier in Whistler (Canada). We reached this beautiful place by helicopter one day before Christmas Eve. It was a unique experience," said a posting on Klum's Web site.
Whistler is a ski resort town in British Columbia.

Klum, 31, and Seal, 41, started dating last year, shortly after her breakup with Renault Formula One team boss Flavio Briatore, who is the father of her daughter, Leni, born in May.
Klum, who is a Victoria's Secret model and has appeared in Sports Illustrated magazine's swimsuit issue, separated from her husband of five years, celebrity hairstylist Ric Pipino, in November 2002.