Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Kinsey - A Laugh Riot Through and Through

At least according to the people in the row in front of me.

After ingesting a lot of turkey, carbs and daytime TV, Keeper, Twiz-Keeperfriend Tracie and I headed to large Mill-owned shopping area to get out of the house for a bit. I felt like I need to see a movie that would make me think since the only use my brain had in the previous couple days was to mathematically figure out how much turkey and brisket could be laid on top of a pile of mashed potatoes without toppling over.

Amazingly we found a parking spot amongst the parking carnage relatively quickly and headed into the suburban wonderland of commerce and screaming children. Not to get ahead of myself, but Kinsey is a very interesting film about the life and work of Dr. Alpherd Kinsey. You may remember him from such things as the Kinsey scale (how gay or straight are you on a scale of 1-6. Go!) and some thick volumes of male and female sexuality.

Now granted when talking about sex, some things are funny but the people in front of me came ready to laugh. Every time a penis was mentioned, shown or joked about it, they howled like they were watching George Carlin perform in 1972, baked out of their gourd. Stay home and watch a Hard Bodies marathon people! And to boot I also had a spattering of "ohhhh" ers seated in front and behind us. You know the types. Every time something kind of sad or shocking is presented they feel the need to express them self with "ohhh," "mmmphh," and "hmmmm." So annoying!

Anyway. Go see Kinsey. It's a lot better than most of the crap out there. But if you can, avoid seeing it anywhere near a Wal-Mart.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

dammit Fox! I'm a nanny not an idol!

All day yesterday I was looking forward to the end of the day, not just because it was the last day before a four-day weekend, or because I knew that the office would probably close an hour or two early. No, I was looking forward to the end of the day because it was Wednesday, and Wednesday evenings means Nanny 911.

So imagine my disappointment when I tuned into FOX at 8:59 PM and discovered .... something that was not Nanny 911. Say what? It was some American Idol Christmas special. So instead of watching my beloved British nannies whip some American brats and their dumbass parents into shape, I composed the following letter.

Dear FOX executives (and when I say "dear," I don't really mean it),

I must say I was quite disappointed when, without warning, you pulled Nanny 911 in order to air the American Idol Christmas CrapFest. I have nothing against those darned American idols, but really, your reasoning was all off. This is Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Granted, I didn't watch the special, but I don't think they were singing songs about turkey and football. Also, that show was probably taped months ago, and I have enough trouble getting into Christmas music without knowing it is being recorded sometime around the Fourth of July. C'mon, people, I like Kelly Clarkson as much as the next person (okay, maybe a little bit more) but our American children don't need another pop star singing "standards!" They need manners! They need guidence! They need structure! They need the goddamn nannies!

Please don't do this to me again.
Best (Thanksgiving) Wishes,

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Cheesus Christ

Here at TTR we respect the rights of all Americans to act as they will and be themselves so we have something to talk shit about. Upon reading an article on cnn.com entitled "eBay Pulls Virgin Mary Sandwich," we realized this country and its inhabitants are even more retarded than the last election would prove. Here's an excerpt from the article.

MIAMI, Florida (AP) -- The people at eBay were no believers in this cheesy miracle: half of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich whose owner claimed it bore the image of the Virgin Mary.
Diana Duyser put the sandwich up for sale last week, drawing bids as high as $22,000 before eBay pulled the item Sunday night. The page was viewed nearly 100,000 times before being taken down.

Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread. She put the sandwich in a clear plastic box with cotton balls and kept it on her night stand.
At first, she was scared by the image, "but now that I realize how unique it is, I wanted to share it with the world," Duyser said.
The sandwich, she added, has never sprouted a spore of mold.

Based on this fine slice of Americana, I'd like to start a new, possibly weekly segment called "The Dumbest Fucking thing I've seen some Shithead American do." Contributions are welcome and suggested. So bring us your tired, your hungry, your poor fuckwits yearning to prove just how asinine this country is.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Call me craisin

After a few days of rocking back and forth reciting the lyrics to "Don't worry be Happy" while clutching a bottle of Bourbon, I decided I should fixate on something other than the election. On most Friday nights, I take in an episode or two of Rachael Ray's 40 Dollars a Day. Keeper has gone off about her before (in fact she did about RR's new spectacle of a show - Inside Dish, in her previous post).

But last Thursday Twizfriend - Aleka and I wasted a full hour of our lives that we can never get back watching Rachael Ray's Thanksgiving in 60 minutes. First off, the woman has some sort of apple fetish, because she ruined perfectly good stuffing and green beans with them. But then she made this horrible looking pumpkin soup (eww) and put goddamn craisins in the middle of it. Craisins! Aleka was unfamiliar with the helacious little dried cranberries (why don't they just call them dried cranberries?) called craisins. So I spent the last few minutes of the show explaining them to her. I don't really have a problem with craisins I just don't like it when Ocean Spray decides to get fucking cute with their products by bastardizing the good name of raisins.

Anyway, for a shear spectacle of goofiness combined with one hot bitch check out any Rachael Ray show on Food Network. And just try to change the channel. I dare you!

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Dishes that are old and chipped and need to be replaced

Okay, so you're standing in the middle of your living room, chatting with friends and enjoying a lovely, cool, carbondated beverage of your choice. Suddenly, your pants fall down around your ankles. While you are standing there, trying to maintain your dignity, pretending that nothing has happened, you take a drink of your beverage. Perhaps it is soda. At that moment, also, one of your friends says something hysterical, causing you to laugh at the same time you are swallowing. You choke a little on your lovely, cool, carbonated beverage, and some of it comes out your nose, making it burn.

That is what watching Rachael Ray's Inside Dish show is like: embarrasing and painful.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

we're worried!

After the election fiasco of 2004 the Trash Talkin' Rodeo went dark because we were too depressed to do anything except eat ice cream and watch The Daily Show. (Help us, Obi-Wan Jon Stewart! You're our only hope!) We'll try to back with some funny if either of us gets off our Democrat butts and experiences some pop culture. But for now, we're worried about our friend and fellow trash-talker Jason of Pancake City. Pancake City was full of political knowledge and funny jokes that we could steal, but the site has been down for several days, and we're worried that Jason is in a cocoon somewhere, weeping quietly and writing obsessive letters to the aforementioned Jon Stewart. "Jason are you okay?/Are you okay, Jason?/ Jason, are you okay?/Are you okay, Jason?/You've been hit by/You've been struck by/A smooth Republican!"