Are you gay? Thank you for calling.

Keeper said I should write this one up after seeing a bullet pointed gay help page on Google.

Thank you for calling the Gay, Lesbian and questioning hotline. If you feel different from most press one now. (beep) You've acknowledged that you feel different from most. If you're male and know if you're a summer or winter press one now. If you're female and enjoy tennis press two now, golf press three, hockey press four, football press five, if all apply press six. If you're still listening to this message and like touching boobies press seven. If you're male and like touching boobies that have a penis growing near them press eight. (beep) You've pressed seven. If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one (beep)

Congratulations! You're not gay but are in fact an exhibitionist, to return to main menu press one, to go back press two (beep) If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one, if you prefer to be touching Drew Carrey's boobies press two, if you prefer to be touching another woman's boobies in the dark while not wearing clothes press three (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Congratulations! You're a lesbian. There have been many lesbians throughout time and not all have bad haircuts. Luckily the American Psychological Association decided in 1970 that being gay doesn't necessarily mean you're dysfunctional. However being a lesbian can guarantee some dysfunction in future relationships with psycho bitches, for more on dealing with psycho bitches press 17. Anyway, you're one of the ten percent of woman who prefer the hole to the pole. For more on hole maintenance press 9. To start over press 4. To speak to someone who can give you far more answers than these generalizations press zero now. To end this call press 6 or hang up now. (beep)

Thank you for acknowledging that you're a big queermo,we wish you luck in navigating through the straight world and if you live in the following states SouthCarolina, Alabama, Kentucky or Utah run to the nearest Greyhound station and get your gay ass on a bus to NewYork.