My face has been rocked off but luckily I found it

This is not so much trash talkin’ but more of an awestruck entry. But don’t you worry, there’s a little bit of nasty in here. You’ll know when you get to it. Aww, what the hell, we’ll start off with it.

Saturday Keeper and I were at the party of a very cool friend of ours who just moved in with her boyfriend. In the beginning the party we didn’t really gel into any of the conversations so we played a variation of one of our favorite games – Marry, Fuck or Kill. If you don’t know how to play MFK it’s really simple. You just name three celebrities and the other person has to decide who they want to marry who they want to fuck and who they want to kill. You can be as nasty as you want like Rush Limbaugh, and the two George Bushes. Anyway, Keeper was being very mean and gave me all three members of Sleater-Kinney (the band who would later rock my face off). I really wouldn’t want to kill any of them so we changed the rules to Marry, Fuck or Rim. I thought the rimming part added a whole new dimension to the game and we proceeded to ignore the rest of the party and play with our new verbal toy.

Yes, we’re losers and we’re 12.

Anyway, we socialized a little but then we left to head over to the 9:30 club to see rock goddesses Sleater-Kinney. Luckily Keeper brought ear plugs because there was no way I was going to waste my hearing on the crapulence that was the opening band – Dead Meadow. Three skinny boys yammering along and one guy with a fog machine does not equal rock greatness.

But luckily salvation came when the women of Sleater-Kinney came out onto the stage. The ear plugs came out as future Mrs. Twizler – Carrie Browstein jumped and kicked all over the stage while our bridesmaids- drummer Janet Weiss and lead vocals Corin Tucker simply kicked ass through the new material. At first I wasn’t that into their new album since it’s so different from their previous efforts but after hearing it live, I think it’s super sick (in a good way).

We were standing on the balcony which allowed us to overlook the stage and the crowd which was good and bad. The energy isn’t as intense up there but there’s less of a chance of getting stepped on or moshed into by a chick with a shaved head. And again you can see all that goes on, on the stage.

During the fist set , S-K played their whole new album- The Woods, three from One Beat and one from All Hands on the Bad One (their previous two albums). But during the encore they threw the crowd a bone and played some older stuff including the encore of Dig Me Out which is one of their classics...(by classics I’m speaking from a mid to late nineties riot grrl culture perspective. You really won’t hear Dig Me Out on the same radio station that plays Free Bird.)

S-K isn’t really Keeper’s kind of music but I think she had a good time and is happy for the ear plugs. I dragged her to see them last year in a club with a not so great sound system, so speak up if you ever met her. The doctors said her hearing would return to normal sometime soon but she does have the ability to hear colors. Don't know what that's about.

we're here, we're queer, yada, yada, yada

On Saturday Keeper, myself and our friend Tara from Atlanta attended Baltimore gay pride. Armed with a fish purse (it is what it is people, a purse that looks like a fish) full of miller light, we stood out on the street and watched the good, the bad and the very, very ugly that is Baltimore Pride. The good fun thing about B-Pride is that they don’t give a flying fuck if you drink on the street. As you know, alcohol makes everything more fun, so keeper and I proceeded to “gut the fish” as the parade went by. In the recent years, people in the parade began flinging beads into the crowd of onlookers. Now along with beads, they throw candy. If you’re not careful, you can lose an eye when an overzealous drag queen beams you with a jolly rancher.

Luckily we finished watching the parade with no major injury and proceeded up the street to the block party. The block party is the same deal as the parade but with greasy, smoky fair food, a lot more alcohol and a stage full of drag queens and other random performers. Astutely, Keeper noted that she was among the top five good looking people there which a) she most definitely was and b) wasn’t hard to do. In fact, before the parade Tara said she was going to run around pride screaming “my eyes, my eyes!” whenever a particularly unfortunate looking creature appeared in her vision.

At one point we were leaning against a car when I spotted someone teetering near the curb. Sure enough they tossed their funnel cake (or whatever the hell they ate) all over Eager street. Keeper was disgusted but I was more interested in who wouldn’t notice the huge puddle of yack and step in it. I didn’t have long to wait before someone wearing sandals (score!) paraded right on through.

As the night wore on, we switched to Sapporo after running out of miller light. (which we consumed eloquently out of brown paper bags) We were trying to hang around to see drag queen extraordinaire- Ru-Paul perform. Surprisingly she came out on time but was lip-syncing to her own songs. We were going to try and hang around until she did her big hit Supermodel but about three songs in we were both over it and left. Six full hours of gay was enough until next year when we once again descend on the gay ghetto and revel in our average looks.

Nights not to remember

Ahh my friend Cisco. If it weren't for you I might have had enough brain cells left to write more than two or three sentences of snark. But this is a pretty funny website. How many of these have you vomited up? I think it's two for me.

http://www.bumwine.com/

There ain't shit on

We've come to that time of year when season finales have aired, sweeps week is over and the networks usher in the steaming pile of crap they call their "hit summer lineup."

Leading off this turdapollooza is Britney and Kevin-Chaotic. Keeper and I managed to suffer through one hour long episode and Chaotic can only describe Brit-Brit's camera work. We thought it would be a funny show to snark at but it's just sad and scary - it's scadary. Between Kevin Federline's repugnant grammar, spotty facial hair and overall whitetrashiness and Britney's predilection for making pig noses at the camera proclaiming “I’m so cool y’all”, I wouldn’t be surprised if Madonna is washing her mouth out with soap after sticking her tongue into that void of intellect.

The other piece of overall dung I watched recently (and I can’t believe I’m admitting to this) is Rob and Amber get Married, which Keeper added the surtitle “I still won’t do anal.” Actually adding “I still won’t do anal,” after every sentence that Amber said made this show a lot more bearable. We watched for two hours as Ramber bitched and moaned at the strain they were under at having to put together a fully paid for dream wedding in the Bahamas with CBS’s dollars. Boo-Hoo Bitches, Suck It!

But it’s not all garbage out there. Six Feet Under is coming back next Monday for its last (sigh) season. Keeper bought me the first and only season of Freaks and Geeks on DVD which is a huge pile of awesomeness. And there’s always my playstation…oh and seeing friends and stuff like that.

Oh, and before I go. I’m just going to pretend the last season of the L Word didn’t happen. Well except for Shane and Carmen doing it. That was hot. Oh and the first time Dana and Alice did it. Everything else – Poop on a platter. Don’t try so hard Rose Troche. It’s been 12 years since Go Fish. Get a new style (and a sense of humor).