Twiz, the Fickle blogger

For some reason, I seem to have gravitated towards writing here: http://blog.myspace.com/twizler11

I'm not so sure anyone still reads this blog but that's where to find me if you do.

Why is the world such a negative place?

I was in Whole Foods at lunch and saw a sign that Cantalopes were on sale. Wouldn't everyone be happier if Canalopes were on sale. Quit being so negative Whole Foods.

Teddy Grahams are the shit

Maybe I’m just bored or procrastinating the newsletter I need to finish by tomorrow, but I just can’t seem to get enough chocolate teddy grahams today. They’re especially delectable when you eat two at a time. Position them in a kind of “sayonara world, adios belly” teddy graham 69 for optimal yumminess.

No awkward flirting before eight please

This morning I tuned into my usual Headline news so I can cram in what’s fucked up in the world in the time it takes me to eat a bowl of oatmeal. I generally zone out and occasionally flip to the local news channel about 7:38 because that’s when the weather comes on. After flipping back to Headline news, perky talking head anchor, Robin Meade announced that Shaun White, aka, the Flying Tomato was in the studio all morning. Then the camera showed dorky-perky Snowboarded gold medalist White giving the thumbs up sign while some tool danced around behind him. I thought this could be amusing so sat and sipped my tea while waiting for the commercial to end.

Meade interviewed White, asking the same questions every other interviewer might ask and he happily answered her. Then they switch to Financial Fox, Carrie Lee. So she goes on for awhile about what a great snowboarder he is and that she may be twice his age but she’s going snow boarding for the third time this weekend and can he give her any advice. That may sound normal, but it was this weirdo Harold and Maude – Mrs. Robinson moment. The best part was that White couldn’t hear what she said so Robin Meade had to repeat the whole thing, minus the flirting.

Also, it still creeps me out how much Shaun White looks like my Aunt Judy (on my dad’s side).

Fat Camp

so somehow last night I got sucked into a two-hour mtv documentary called "Fat Camp." The title wasn't cryptic, and it wasn't Phat Camp, nope, Fat Camp. Fat kids at a camp in the Pocono’s. To enjoy this show fully, I sat with a pint of Hagan Daas Chocolate ice cream on my belly and dug into the drama of Fat Camp.
It made me think of when I was forced to go to overnight camp as a slightly corpulent...ok fat kid at Camp Louise. Camp Louise wasn't a fat camp, but it was a Jew camp and it was a whole lot worse. I was supposed to be in a bunk with my best friend Becky but they stuck me in a bunk with a bunch of bitches I went to Hebrew school with. I think I had one friend in the bunk but I didn't get the hot British chick as a counselor like Becky did.
Anyway, on the show there was this one home school kid named Diane. Diane had diabetes, and kind of looked like the love child of a bowling ball and Roz from Monster’s Inc. Diane hadn’t socialized with other kids and thought they were stupid. I felt bad for her because I remembered thinking kids were stupid too. Growing up an only child led to many evening’s spent with my parents and other 10 year olds weren’t really into discussing Hill Street Blues and the downfall of Reaganonmics. I remember my Dad telling me kids are mean, which they totally are.
Suffice to say, I wasn’t as clueless as Diane and I probably would have been one of the kids making fun of her. She was super drama.
I didn’t see all of the show because I flipped to Larry King because he had Trannies on. It was a veritable cornucopia of Trannies from Jennifer Boylan (author of She’s not There) to TJ from Transgeneration. I actually had my mom, then Keeper call me to tell me it was on. But I ended up drifting back to Fat Camp.
One of the kids, Petey was a super annoying tool who’ll come out in two years. He was in competition with this other kid Matt to be the camp stud. The JR. counselors at Fat Camp seemed to be getting a lot of play.
I felt a little dirty after watching Fat Camp but it was entertaining and I made a fun game of taking a hit of ice cream every time someone got yelled at for sneaking candy.

This cold is ok, but I've had better

After spending a week in Orlando, a gracious coworker of mine gave me a copy of her current upper repertory infection. This cold is ok, but it’s no stomach flu of ‘04 or even close to the self-induced kir royal hangover of last December. I guess what makes it ordinary is the lack of surprise. I knew that by day three I’d be incapable of saying words beginning with “n” and be prone to long fits of staring blankly. I knew this because I witnessed it first hand from the aforementioned gracious coworker.

But even by itself it totally lacks originality. Sure I’m sneezing, coughing and sleep deprived but that’s sooo expected. Maybe it could have me sneezing out my ear or bleeding from my elbow. You know. Something different. It’s like it looked up the definition of “cold” from some old Nyquil commercial. Which by the way does not act as the “sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, so you can rest medicine” for me. It makes me all twitchy and awake. Talk about false advertising.

But I digress.
Anyway we apologize for the lack of updating but Keeper and I recently got back from an extended tandem Taxidermy lecture series (our true passion). We’ll try and write from the road if our fellow taxidermist colleagues call on our services in the future.

Sorry I've failed you

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 07:42:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: God
Subject:Enough is Enough
To: Twizler


Dear Twizler,
Enough is enough. Your inability (or is it laziness and lack of faith?) to forward messages like the one below, will result in a one way ticket to hell. Do you not understand that every time you delete emails featuring dancing kittens, mice hugging each other and messages of faith and inspiration you‘re assigned to go one level deeper? Before there were only nine levels of hell but because of you we’ve been force to implement level 56,987.
Not only will none of your wishes come true, but since you never gave your friends and family a chance to see these messages they’re fucked too. Nice going Twizler, I hope you’re happy.

Love you lots,
The Almighty One Note: forwarded message attached.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com


Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started offhis seminar byholding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would likethis $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to givethis$20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple upthe$20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the handswereup in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floorwithhis shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wantsit?" Still the hands went into the air.My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what Idid to the money, you still wanted itbecause it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many timesinour lives, we are dropped, rumpled, and ground into the dirt by thedecisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened orwhatwill happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled orfinely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but byWHOWE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it."If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, thehurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: amateurs builttheark .. professionals built the Titanic.If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.