Twiz & Keepergirl's Trash Talkin' Rodeo

Twiz, the Fickle blogger

2006-03-29T13:18:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I seem to have gravitated towards writing here: http://blog.myspace.com/twizler11

I'm not so sure anyone still reads this blog but that's where to find me if you do.

Top Two Signs that Sophie B. Hawkins' Career Has Taken A(nother) Turn For the Worse

2006-03-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

1. She sent me a friend request on MySpace, instead of the other way around.
2. When you go to her MySpace page, you hear her one and only hit (from like 15 years ago) "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover," which the kids loved because it had a curse word in the title.

The number one sign that her career may take a slight upturn, and then crash again miserably: I accepted her MySpace friend request. You're welcome, Sophie B. Hawkins!

Why is the world such a negative place?

2006-03-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

I was in Whole Foods at lunch and saw a sign that Cantalopes were on sale. Wouldn't everyone be happier if Canalopes were on sale. Quit being so negative Whole Foods.

Teddy Grahams are the shit

2006-02-28T13:55:00.000-05:00

Maybe I’m just bored or procrastinating the newsletter I need to finish by tomorrow, but I just can’t seem to get enough chocolate teddy grahams today. They’re especially delectable when you eat two at a time. Position them in a kind of “sayonara world, adios belly” teddy graham 69 for optimal yumminess.

No awkward flirting before eight please

2006-02-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

This morning I tuned into my usual Headline news so I can cram in what’s fucked up in the world in the time it takes me to eat a bowl of oatmeal. I generally zone out and occasionally flip to the local news channel about 7:38 because that’s when the weather comes on. After flipping back to Headline news, perky talking head anchor, Robin Meade announced that Shaun White, aka, the Flying Tomato was in the studio all morning. Then the camera showed dorky-perky Snowboarded gold medalist White giving the thumbs up sign while some tool danced around behind him. I thought this could be amusing so sat and sipped my tea while waiting for the commercial to end.

Meade interviewed White, asking the same questions every other interviewer might ask and he happily answered her. Then they switch to Financial Fox, Carrie Lee. So she goes on for awhile about what a great snowboarder he is and that she may be twice his age but she’s going snow boarding for the third time this weekend and can he give her any advice. That may sound normal, but it was this weirdo Harold and Maude – Mrs. Robinson moment. The best part was that White couldn’t hear what she said so Robin Meade had to repeat the whole thing, minus the flirting.

Also, it still creeps me out how much Shaun White looks like my Aunt Judy (on my dad’s side).

Fat Camp

2006-02-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

so somehow last night I got sucked into a two-hour mtv documentary called "Fat Camp." The title wasn't cryptic, and it wasn't Phat Camp, nope, Fat Camp. Fat kids at a camp in the Pocono’s. To enjoy this show fully, I sat with a pint of Hagan Daas Chocolate ice cream on my belly and dug into the drama of Fat Camp.
It made me think of when I was forced to go to overnight camp as a slightly corpulent...ok fat kid at Camp Louise. Camp Louise wasn't a fat camp, but it was a Jew camp and it was a whole lot worse. I was supposed to be in a bunk with my best friend Becky but they stuck me in a bunk with a bunch of bitches I went to Hebrew school with. I think I had one friend in the bunk but I didn't get the hot British chick as a counselor like Becky did.
Anyway, on the show there was this one home school kid named Diane. Diane had diabetes, and kind of looked like the love child of a bowling ball and Roz from Monster’s Inc. Diane hadn’t socialized with other kids and thought they were stupid. I felt bad for her because I remembered thinking kids were stupid too. Growing up an only child led to many evening’s spent with my parents and other 10 year olds weren’t really into discussing Hill Street Blues and the downfall of Reaganonmics. I remember my Dad telling me kids are mean, which they totally are.
Suffice to say, I wasn’t as clueless as Diane and I probably would have been one of the kids making fun of her. She was super drama.
I didn’t see all of the show because I flipped to Larry King because he had Trannies on. It was a veritable cornucopia of Trannies from Jennifer Boylan (author of She’s not There) to TJ from Transgeneration. I actually had my mom, then Keeper call me to tell me it was on. But I ended up drifting back to Fat Camp.
One of the kids, Petey was a super annoying tool who’ll come out in two years. He was in competition with this other kid Matt to be the camp stud. The JR. counselors at Fat Camp seemed to be getting a lot of play.
I felt a little dirty after watching Fat Camp but it was entertaining and I made a fun game of taking a hit of ice cream every time someone got yelled at for sneaking candy.

This cold is ok, but I've had better

2006-01-27T13:45:00.000-05:00

After spending a week in Orlando, a gracious coworker of mine gave me a copy of her current upper repertory infection. This cold is ok, but it’s no stomach flu of ‘04 or even close to the self-induced kir royal hangover of last December. I guess what makes it ordinary is the lack of surprise. I knew that by day three I’d be incapable of saying words beginning with “n” and be prone to long fits of staring blankly. I knew this because I witnessed it first hand from the aforementioned gracious coworker.

But even by itself it totally lacks originality. Sure I’m sneezing, coughing and sleep deprived but that’s sooo expected. Maybe it could have me sneezing out my ear or bleeding from my elbow. You know. Something different. It’s like it looked up the definition of “cold” from some old Nyquil commercial. Which by the way does not act as the “sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, so you can rest medicine” for me. It makes me all twitchy and awake. Talk about false advertising.

But I digress.
Anyway we apologize for the lack of updating but Keeper and I recently got back from an extended tandem Taxidermy lecture series (our true passion). We’ll try and write from the road if our fellow taxidermist colleagues call on our services in the future.

Sorry I've failed you

2005-08-05T10:00:00.000-05:00

Date: Fri, 5 Aug 2005 07:42:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: God
Subject:Enough is Enough
To: Twizler

Dear Twizler,
Enough is enough. Your inability (or is it laziness and lack of faith?) to forward messages like the one below, will result in a one way ticket to hell. Do you not understand that every time you delete emails featuring dancing kittens, mice hugging each other and messages of faith and inspiration you‘re assigned to go one level deeper? Before there were only nine levels of hell but because of you we’ve been force to implement level 56,987.
Not only will none of your wishes come true, but since you never gave your friends and family a chance to see these messages they’re fucked too. Nice going Twizler, I hope you’re happy.

Love you lots,
The Almighty One Note: forwarded message attached.
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around http://mail.yahoo.com

Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started offhis seminar byholding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would likethis $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to givethis$20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple upthe$20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the handswereup in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floorwithhis shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wantsit?" Still the hands went into the air.My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what Idid to the money, you still wanted itbecause it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many timesinour lives, we are dropped, rumpled, and ground into the dirt by thedecisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened orwhatwill happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled orfinely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but byWHOWE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it."If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, thehurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: amateurs builttheark .. professionals built the Titanic.If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.Pass this message to 7 people except you and me.

In case you care

2005-07-21T15:41:00.000-05:00

Aside for searching for “hot coffee” GTA codes online, there isn’t much going on in the Trash Talkin’ world. Thought I should post to keep the loyal reader or two coming back.

Don’t watch War of the Worlds. It only proves that Jews and Scientologists don’t mix and predictable Hollywood endings make me want to barf my popcorn into the cup holder.

Do watch Morgan Spurlock’s 30 Days. It was only six episodes but it shows that reality TV is still a viable medium for intelligent documentary work. F/X network and hopefully soon to DVD.

Do drink a lot of beer and other things to wash away the horrible taste of work and not enough sleep.

Don’t expect all that beer to help the process of trying to get into shape.

Do pet and hug your animals.

Don’t kiss them cause then you’ll drink more beer to wash away the horrible taste of you having not bathed your pet in months.

No One Wants to See That

2005-07-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

I’m trying to be good and go to the gym whenever possible after work. Unfortunately, my boss and some other coworkers go to the same gym. Now, usually I go and change in the locker rooms at work so I can avoid potentially seeing co-worker boobies. But this takes extra time and involves walking down a flight of stairs and I’m just really lazy and would rather get the whole gym thing over with so I can go home and watch gay TV (yes, LOGO is on my cable system) or kill a lot of people in Grand Theft Auto.

So yesterday I decided to just suck it up and change in the ladies locker room at the gym. My boss has been going religiously and I waited about 10 minutes after she left to avoid potentially seeing her goodies. But of course, the universe loves having a go at me and she was walking into the gym just as I got there. She didn’t see me so I contemplated hanging out in the alley that separates the gym and the gay bar next to it and count used condoms. But I decided to be brave and marched right into the locker room. I noticed my boss out of the corner of my eye but kept my head forward and changed at lightening speed. She must have been on the same page as me because she walked right past without saying hello.

I kind of wanted to make a joke to her about not wanting to see her lady business or anything but I thought it best if I just didn’t mention it.

My face has been rocked off but luckily I found it

2005-06-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

This is not so much trash talkin’ but more of an awestruck entry. But don’t you worry, there’s a little bit of nasty in here. You’ll know when you get to it. Aww, what the hell, we’ll start off with it.

Saturday Keeper and I were at the party of a very cool friend of ours who just moved in with her boyfriend. In the beginning the party we didn’t really gel into any of the conversations so we played a variation of one of our favorite games – Marry, Fuck or Kill. If you don’t know how to play MFK it’s really simple. You just name three celebrities and the other person has to decide who they want to marry who they want to fuck and who they want to kill. You can be as nasty as you want like Rush Limbaugh, and the two George Bushes. Anyway, Keeper was being very mean and gave me all three members of Sleater-Kinney (the band who would later rock my face off). I really wouldn’t want to kill any of them so we changed the rules to Marry, Fuck or Rim. I thought the rimming part added a whole new dimension to the game and we proceeded to ignore the rest of the party and play with our new verbal toy.

Yes, we’re losers and we’re 12.

Anyway, we socialized a little but then we left to head over to the 9:30 club to see rock goddesses Sleater-Kinney. Luckily Keeper brought ear plugs because there was no way I was going to waste my hearing on the crapulence that was the opening band – Dead Meadow. Three skinny boys yammering along and one guy with a fog machine does not equal rock greatness.

But luckily salvation came when the women of Sleater-Kinney came out onto the stage. The ear plugs came out as future Mrs. Twizler – Carrie Browstein jumped and kicked all over the stage while our bridesmaids- drummer Janet Weiss and lead vocals Corin Tucker simply kicked ass through the new material. At first I wasn’t that into their new album since it’s so different from their previous efforts but after hearing it live, I think it’s super sick (in a good way).

We were standing on the balcony which allowed us to overlook the stage and the crowd which was good and bad. The energy isn’t as intense up there but there’s less of a chance of getting stepped on or moshed into by a chick with a shaved head. And again you can see all that goes on, on the stage.

During the fist set , S-K played their whole new album- The Woods, three from One Beat and one from All Hands on the Bad One (their previous two albums). But during the encore they threw the crowd a bone and played some older stuff including the encore of Dig Me Out which is one of their classics...(by classics I’m speaking from a mid to late nineties riot grrl culture perspective. You really won’t hear Dig Me Out on the same radio station that plays Free Bird.)

S-K isn’t really Keeper’s kind of music but I think she had a good time and is happy for the ear plugs. I dragged her to see them last year in a club with a not so great sound system, so speak up if you ever met her. The doctors said her hearing would return to normal sometime soon but she does have the ability to hear colors. Don't know what that's about.

we're here, we're queer, yada, yada, yada

2005-06-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

On Saturday Keeper, myself and our friend Tara from Atlanta attended Baltimore gay pride. Armed with a fish purse (it is what it is people, a purse that looks like a fish) full of miller light, we stood out on the street and watched the good, the bad and the very, very ugly that is Baltimore Pride. The good fun thing about B-Pride is that they don’t give a flying fuck if you drink on the street. As you know, alcohol makes everything more fun, so keeper and I proceeded to “gut the fish” as the parade went by. In the recent years, people in the parade began flinging beads into the crowd of onlookers. Now along with beads, they throw candy. If you’re not careful, you can lose an eye when an overzealous drag queen beams you with a jolly rancher.

Luckily we finished watching the parade with no major injury and proceeded up the street to the block party. The block party is the same deal as the parade but with greasy, smoky fair food, a lot more alcohol and a stage full of drag queens and other random performers. Astutely, Keeper noted that she was among the top five good looking people there which a) she most definitely was and b) wasn’t hard to do. In fact, before the parade Tara said she was going to run around pride screaming “my eyes, my eyes!” whenever a particularly unfortunate looking creature appeared in her vision.

At one point we were leaning against a car when I spotted someone teetering near the curb. Sure enough they tossed their funnel cake (or whatever the hell they ate) all over Eager street. Keeper was disgusted but I was more interested in who wouldn’t notice the huge puddle of yack and step in it. I didn’t have long to wait before someone wearing sandals (score!) paraded right on through.

As the night wore on, we switched to Sapporo after running out of miller light. (which we consumed eloquently out of brown paper bags) We were trying to hang around to see drag queen extraordinaire- Ru-Paul perform. Surprisingly she came out on time but was lip-syncing to her own songs. We were going to try and hang around until she did her big hit Supermodel but about three songs in we were both over it and left. Six full hours of gay was enough until next year when we once again descend on the gay ghetto and revel in our average looks.

Nights not to remember

2005-06-14T15:03:00.000-05:00

Ahh my friend Cisco. If it weren't for you I might have had enough brain cells left to write more than two or three sentences of snark. But this is a pretty funny website. How many of these have you vomited up? I think it's two for me.

http://www.bumwine.com/

There ain't shit on

2005-06-01T07:49:00.000-05:00

We've come to that time of year when season finales have aired, sweeps week is over and the networks usher in the steaming pile of crap they call their "hit summer lineup."

Leading off this turdapollooza is Britney and Kevin-Chaotic. Keeper and I managed to suffer through one hour long episode and Chaotic can only describe Brit-Brit's camera work. We thought it would be a funny show to snark at but it's just sad and scary - it's scadary. Between Kevin Federline's repugnant grammar, spotty facial hair and overall whitetrashiness and Britney's predilection for making pig noses at the camera proclaiming “I’m so cool y’all”, I wouldn’t be surprised if Madonna is washing her mouth out with soap after sticking her tongue into that void of intellect.

The other piece of overall dung I watched recently (and I can’t believe I’m admitting to this) is Rob and Amber get Married, which Keeper added the surtitle “I still won’t do anal.” Actually adding “I still won’t do anal,” after every sentence that Amber said made this show a lot more bearable. We watched for two hours as Ramber bitched and moaned at the strain they were under at having to put together a fully paid for dream wedding in the Bahamas with CBS’s dollars. Boo-Hoo Bitches, Suck It!

But it’s not all garbage out there. Six Feet Under is coming back next Monday for its last (sigh) season. Keeper bought me the first and only season of Freaks and Geeks on DVD which is a huge pile of awesomeness. And there’s always my playstation…oh and seeing friends and stuff like that.

Oh, and before I go. I’m just going to pretend the last season of the L Word didn’t happen. Well except for Shane and Carmen doing it. That was hot. Oh and the first time Dana and Alice did it. Everything else – Poop on a platter. Don’t try so hard Rose Troche. It’s been 12 years since Go Fish. Get a new style (and a sense of humor).

Two Conversations About "Riding the Bus With My Sister"

2005-05-25T19:47:00.000-05:00

Scene: May 1, 2005, night of original airing, approximately 50 minutes into the movie. Twizler is feeling sick, and therefore unable to argue against the watching of this monstrosity of a movie. The snarkabilty of this movie is so high that I have been barely able to speak.

Keepergirl [finally breaking silence]: Twiz, you know what the best part of this movie is?
Twizler [wondering why she agreed to watch this movie while suffering a migraine]: What?
Keepergirl [couch dancing]: THERE IS OVER AN HOUR LEFT!
Twizler [wincing]: Kill me now.

Scene: Approximately two weeks later, during a visit with KeeperSister. I have saved the movie on my fake TiVO, so that I can re-watch and commit parts of it to memory. KeeperSister and I have just watched the entire movie, piece by piece, starting with me just "wanting to show her the first 10 minutes or so" just to give her an idea of how delightfully wretched it is, and her saying "just five more minutes" approximately 20 times.

Keepergirl [delighting in sisterly snark]: Don't you wish you had a retarded sister?
KeeperSister [without missing a beat]: I do have one. I just want a better one.
Keepergirl [sorry she didn't think of it first]: HAAAAA..... hey!

I see London, I see France

2005-05-20T08:18:00.000-05:00

I see a former Iraqi dictator in his underpants.

I really just posted that so I could write that headline. The top three runners up included:

-Now Victoria's Secret is all up in his grill to launch a men's line
-He was more upset this was snapped before his montly manscaping appointment with Eduardo
-Can you find the WMD's?

Riding the bus with my fat, overacting, lesbian ex-talkshow host sister

2005-05-03T11:47:00.000-05:00

First off, we're going to hell. We are so going to hell that we've already been given passes to the Hell HOV lane.

Sunday night at nine, Keeper and I settled in to watch the long awaited CBS Hallmark Hall of Fame move Riding the Bus with my Sister staring Rosie O'Donnel and Andie MacDowell. The really sad part of this is that we've been eagerly waiting to see this train wreck for over a month. Ever since we saw a commercial featuring a lumbering Rosie in brightly colored "just to make sure you know I'm mentally challenged" mismatching clothes, we've been chomping at the bits. In fact I started quoting from RtBWmS even before I knew any of the dialogue. I was soo sure it would contain a pivotal scene where Tard Rosie proclaims "You're my sister!" (to my dismay, it did not.)

But anyway, the overall heavy-handed, plot has Andie "I express my emotions with my hair" MacDowell -Rachael having to deal with her mentally challenged (they never say what's wrong with her, other than her voice but I'll get to that in a minute) sister Beth played by Ms. Rosie "I'll launch a Koosh ball at your head if you eat the last Ho-Ho" O'Donnel.

I didn't know what Rosie's voice would be like until the preview of RtBWmS started at nine. At this point, maybe it was from too much sugar, maybe I just couldn't contain myself, I literally almost threw up from laughing. Rosie's voice sounded something like Elmo with a thyroid condition at volume 11.

Now mind you, I do not get off on laughing at people with disabilities in real life. Nor do I get my shits and giggles from realistic portrays of them. But seeing Rosie O'Donnel projecting her lines pretty much showing every tooth was something truly frightening and beautiful at the same time.

The plot of the movie and its outcome doesn't really matter. You could see the ending before it started but it was definitely worth the wait and provided me with many quotable lines that I could recite and skive out Keeper with.

If anyone wants a copy of it, Keeper's got it on TIVO.

More from The Rachenator

2005-04-27T20:46:00.000-05:00

Rachael Ray gets her own magazine .... Keepergirl cancels her subscription to Maxim.*

Link from Zoot.

*Disclaimer: Keepergirl doesn't really subscribe to Maxim.

Grilled Cheese Sandwhiches and Erosion stains, The hot new places to get closer to God

2005-04-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

From Keeper:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/04/20/mary.underpass.ap/index.html

In other news...

2005-04-13T12:42:00.000-05:00

France lights up a big, fat one and really digs Armageddon (except for the part where Paris bites it.)

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050413/ap_en_mo/france_people_willis_honored

I-Pod one

2005-04-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

I'll bet Bush likes the Knack's My Sharona because it reminds him of that scene from Reality Bites where Winona Ryder and Janeane Garofalo are stoned out of their minds singing that song and dancing around the convienece store. That's why I like it.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/04/12/bush.ipod/index.html

Top five things you don't expect to find in your Wendy's Chili by Twizler

2005-03-24T12:01:00.000-05:00

5) meat

4) a happy meal toy

3) gefilte fish

2) Dave Thomas

1) A GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING HUMAN FINGER! AGGHHHHRR GROSS!

7:38 AM obession

2005-03-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Every morning my alarm goes off at 7:10 which is really 7:02. Apparently I need to trick myself into believing that I’m sleeping later than I really am. I hit snooze and try and not wait until 7:20 (7:12) for it to go off again. After my shower I flip on CNN’s Headline News and make my breakfast. I can usually start eating by the time lead anchor, Robin Meade begins her run down of the day’s top stories.

But what I’m really waiting for is the financial news. Not that I really give two craps about financial matters but have made it my morning ritual to check out what Business maven, Carrie Lee is wearing. Her hair is a lot shorter now than in the CNN picture and she almost never wears skirts. For some reason her conservative, yet sporty wardrobe choices have me glued to HN every morning around 7:37 or 7:38. Maybe it’s the fact that you get the full scope of her body since she’s standing besides a brightly colored map of yesterday’s stock numbers. Maybe it is that she doesn’t wear skirts and still manages to look smashing and feminine. Maybe it’s just because she’s hot, albeit not my usual type.

Whatever it is thank you Ms. Lee for brightening my morning, giving me fashion ideas and occupying my eyes until I flip over to VH-1 classic.

Not really pop culture, but funny

2005-03-15T13:35:00.000-05:00

An email from Keeper:
To: Twizler

Subject: OMG!

your grandma just sent me a picture that has boobies in it!

The Price Most Certainly Is Right .... If You Know What I Mean, and I Think You Do

2005-03-10T19:15:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that Bob Barker seems pretty attached to that long, skinny microphone with the long cord attached? (I haven't watched The Price Is Right in a long time so I am assuming he still uses it and don't tell me if I am wrong because it ruins this entry.) Do you ever wonder if there's a reason he's so attached, like if he's trying to tell us all something as he grips it, ever so gently, betwixt his fingertips? Do you? Do you?

I'm thinking that if any of you ladies and gentlemen prefer the long and the slender and the tapered, you might want to give ole Bobby a call. I'm just saying.

We really must get out more

2005-03-08T09:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of pop-culture dissing lately but I have been thrust into the underground world of sex, guns and drugs otherwise known as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. While I do enjoy the mass slaughter of rival gang members and car jackings, one of my favorite things of the game is the shopping.

Yep you can dress your dude from head to toe however you want. So far I've unlocked four stores and have acquired quite a wardrobe. You can also get different haircuts and tattoos. I'm all about accessorising while running over pedestrians and planting drugs in DA officers cars. I wore a really cute black hat with a nice shirt and olive khaki s when I murdered a valet. A funky pair of orange converse with a form-fitting jacket when I robbed an Off Track Betting place. And a red basketball jersey that really showed off my toned, tattooed arm when I shot a rocket launcher at a police helicopter.

Thanks Rockstar games for satisfying my underlying sadistic tendencies along with my inherent shopaholic side!

For those who are concerned. The burning pile of shit has been extinguished

2005-02-23T13:28:00.000-05:00

A TTR update.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=8&u=/ap/20050223/ap_on_fe_st/manure_pile

Dolly hits Panera

2005-02-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts in a while. We were off studying wild porcupines in Borneo. We discovered they don't make good ottomans.

On our return trip, Keeper and I hit Panera Bread Company. We were quite famished and were looking for a quite knook where we could take in a week's worth of carbs. After we were done ordering the girl at the register gave us both a once over and asked if we were sisters. We both kind of paused but the girl kept asking questions - "So are you sisters? You must be related somehow because you look alike. At least cousins. You are in the same family right?" I shouted "EW, EW, EW! " (in my head). In reality, we both kind of stood there and grinned but said "No."

I don't think we look that much alike. Maybe it's the similar haircut or that we're about the same size and height but I don't see it. Unless every gay person in a relationship is destined to turn into the other person. Or maybe the girl who works the cash register at Panera is just a bit daffy. I think I'll go with that one.

Thanks for this site Zoot

2005-02-10T11:51:00.000-05:00

It's almost Valentine's Day and nothing says "I love you" like a

http://www.acme.com/heartmaker/heartmaker.cgi?text1=hand&text2=job&color=Green&r=1785542719

So very, very good. So very, very bad.

2005-02-09T09:10:00.000-05:00

Last week Keeper bought a copy of Grand Theft Auto - Vice City for her PC. (I have a Mac and Apple must be a pacifist company because you can't get GTA for it. suck.) I'd heard of the game and thought it would be fun to play for an hour or so. I got to Keeper's around seven on Friday night, was introduced to the game and the next thing I knew it was 11:30, Keeper was getting ready for bed, my dog was holding her legs together by the door and I was hooked. I vaguely remember Keeper going out to get food. Eating the food, possibly having a short conversation and that was about it.

Now if you're not familiar with the Grand Theft Auto line of games I can tell you they're the most violet, horrible, gory, souless, wonderfully awesome games ever! In Vice City (I assume the other games are similar) you're running around completing missions trying to find who stole your coke and money in a drug deal gone wrong. A whole city is your playing field and in the process you steal cars for transportation, beat the shit out of people (with bats, hammers, brass knuckles, chainsaws, guns, etc.) for money or for assignments, start union riots, and have sex with prostitutes (I haven't figured out how to do this yet.) And the best part is this one is set in the eighties so you're wearing suits with t-shirts, acid wash jeans and listening to 80's music whenever you steal a car.

I know this game is suppose to be marketing to adults so I'm trying not to think of the kids who probably can't get enough of it. I managed to curtail my playing time by Sunday, that and I think Keeper was getting ready to kung-foo my ass if I didn't get off the computer and let her check her email. But now I want more! I can't wait for weekends (that and I think I should leave the house on my days off.) So I'm allowing the teenage boy in me to purchase playstation 2 so I can pimp some ho's, and steal some cars after a hard days work. If you need me I'll be in front of my TV not answering the phone.

Stop messing with my reputation, Extreme Makeover!

2005-02-06T21:59:00.000-05:00

I'm developing a real love-hate relationship with the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition because it sometimes puts little cracks in the cynical, cold-hearted shell I've worked so hard to construct. Sometimes, when I watch, I do get a little weepy. Luckily, I have the antidote close at hand ..... Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some cars to steal.

Re: Bash Back

2005-02-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

I sent the previous post to GrandmaTwiz and here's her response. If only all 80 year olds (and most people) were as cool as she is.

G-MaTwiz sez:
There is certainly no reason and never has been for the government to tell people how to live their lives. This country was founded on freedom for all. To cause so much bitterness and lack of understanding just shows what ignorant, idiotic morons are running our once great country. Since when is our government allowed to sneak into bedrooms? I wish someone could explain to me what difference it makes if two people love each other and want to share their lives together in a marraige. What the heck difference does it make if they are the same sex or not. It makes absolutely no sence whatsoever to deny them that right. It just makes me very angry to realize this situation exists. For whatever good it might do, know that I agree with you and hope everything goes the way you want it to go.

Bash Back

2005-02-04T09:48:00.000-05:00

(Thanks Stanton for this snippet)

Fom The Gay Basher's State of the Union speech:
>>Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society. So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith, and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children. Government is not the source of these values, but government should never undermine them. Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be re-defined by activist judges. For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage. >>

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I didn't watch the state of the union address a couple nights ago because I guess I knew the lies and utter bullshit that it would contain. I also don't understand the new vocal Republican obsession of squashing the federal right of loving and wanting to marry another person just because they're of the same gender.

At the bottom of it all it's a political tactic that's being used (and is working) to divide Democrats and other liberals under the guise of only being a true American (in God's eyes) if you are against Gay Marriage.

I could go on and on about the separation of church and state and why it matters to the morality of the country what I do behind closed doors. But I'll keep this short and urge you to speak up whenever you hear someone backing the archaic and inane comments above. Challenge them. Remind people not to be sheep and turn a blind eye to misdirected religious propaganda. Because as many angry gays and lesbians there are speaking out against this, we need straight allies more than ever.

We heart Amy Sedaris

2005-01-31T13:34:00.000-05:00

She makes her own cheese balls. She claims to live near a lesbian bar called Lickety Splits (five drink minimum), Strangers with Candy was one of the coolest (and weirdest) shows ever on TV: and now she's hosting some cheesy movie fest on lifetime TV. Amy Sedaris, I hope one day we can sit down with a spoon, a jar of peanut butter some fluff and a quart of tequila.

What a load of crap.

2005-01-28T09:42:00.000-05:00

No seriously. What a load of crap!

Probably no one cares about this but me

2005-01-27T09:07:00.000-05:00

But! The greatest band in the world is releasing their new album the day after my birthday! If you don't know about or listen to Sleater-Kinney I highly recommend you check them out.

If you want to I-Tune some tracks, some of my favorites in no particular order are:

-Dance Song '97
-Dig Me Out
-Little Babies
-Get Up
-You're No Rock N' Roll Fun
(for some reason the guitar solo from this one pops up as back ground fodder on VH-1 and MTV from time to time.)
-Oh!
-I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone
-Ballad of a Ladyman
-Combat Rock

I know Keeper is holding her hands to her ears in anticipation of this album but that's what headphones and driving alone are for!

lesuirely watching tv

2005-01-25T20:52:00.000-05:00

So tonight I caught the beginning of the rerun of last week's Apprentice on CNBC (because they show the rerun a lot because clearly they don't have enough programming) and I have just one question: Did they let The Donald do his own makeup? Really.

And even though I don't plan to watch this season faithfully, I already have a favorite candidate: the Guy in the Red Leisure Suit. Because, RED LEISURE SUIT!

Wha, Wha, What!

2005-01-25T08:49:00.000-05:00

Well the last and largest of Hollywood's award J.O. fest have been announced. And of course TTR disagrees with a lot of the nominees for the 77th Oscar awards. First off how can Fahrenheit 911 not even be nominated in the best doc category?! Granted SuperSize Me was a big hit and entertaining (and I haven't seen the other ones) but come on! Is the Academy so friggin' scared of Michael Moore making a scene? Well that is what he does but show some balls people!

And no nods to The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou? It at least deserves a best costume or art direction nod, if for nothing else the red hats and speedos.

Other complaints include: Does Jamie Foxx really need to be nominated in best actor and best supporting actor? Just a few short years ago he was playing a semi-retarded looking woman on In Living Color; I haven't seen Sideways yet, but I like Paul Giamatti as an actor. They forgot him with American Splendor and they're forgetting him now; Not even a best screenplay bid for Garden State? BOOOO!; No best picture for The Incredibles? It deserves so much more than to just beat Shark Tales in the best Animated Feature category.

I do however have to give the Academy kudos for nominating two Twizler pretend celebrity girlfriends in the Best Actress category. Yay Kate Winslet with multiple hair colors in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (If I ran things this would be up for best picture too)! I still love you Hilary Swank and I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby yet but Kate hasn't won before, it's about freakin' time!

But despite all our bitching (well Keeper will probably bitch when she sees this) we'll still watch the 18 hour event, hope someone does something remarkably stupid. And at the very least see some horrid displays of red carpet couture. Tune in the last Sunday in Feb to watch.

Trash Talkin' Joke of the Day

2005-01-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

Thanks Rich for this Hum Dinger, Zinger, Kip Winger of a knee slapper.

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

On Jan. 20th Jason's helping us not want to throw heavy things at other people

2005-01-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

Pancake City's keepin' it real y'all!

Black Thursday Started Yesterday

2005-01-20T10:48:00.000-05:00

(from salon.com)

Big fur and Bush's Ohio "luck"

The Republicans have begun to flood into the nation's capital for what they're calling W2, and so far it seems that the hotels and bars are the prime beneficiaries. It's certainly not the people of the District. They're the ones who will be stuck with the road closures, the intense security and a big chunk of the bill for it all. Among the hardest hit of District residents: the homeless, who will find many of the services they need curtailed because charitable groups can't get through the security barriers erected downtown.

Such concerns seemed a million miles away inside the bar at the Ritz-Carlton Tuesday night, where the first waves of well-heeled Republicans gathered for inauguration-themed drinks and $25 cigars. Braced against outdoor temperatures in the teens, GOP women from near and far -- mostly far -- wore so much fur that entire species of critters must be dead somewhere. A big bowl of Ohio buckeyes sat on a table near the front door, a symbol, the sign said, of the "good luck" Bush enjoyed when he won that state. The residents of Washington should be so lucky.

You Make the joke! (part deux)

2005-01-19T09:54:00.000-05:00

Since last week's overwhelming response to you make the joke (we got one!) here's a new news worthy event to snark on.

Game delayed by dog's doings

January 18, 2005

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- Who didn't let the dog out?
A stink was raised during halftime of the Detroit Pistons-Orlando Magic NBA game on Tuesday night when the start of the second half was delayed by three minutes after a seeing-eye dog relieved itself on the court.
The dog was with a charity organization, Canine Companions for Independence, that was receiving a $10,000 donation from the Orlando Magic Youth Foundation.
When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.
A custodian was enlisted to scoop up the mess and wipe up the remains with cleaner, a mop and towels.

Bitchy McBitchface Temp

2005-01-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently my head set isn't working so it's hard for people to hear me when I answer the phone. I'm still playing part-time receptionist at a large office that gets a lot of calls. The guy who just called told me I sounded about a million miles away which I've been hearing all day. I guess I snapped and told him I was in fact 2.2 Billion miles away and was transmitting from the Satellite that just landed on Titan (one of Saturn's moons.) He then told me he couldn't hear me again so I hung up on him. I think I need a nap.

I know this isn't really a TTR kind of post but I don't feel like writing on livejournal right now.

Got the wings of heaven on my shoes

2005-01-12T13:32:00.000-05:00

Last night on HBO I got to see one of my favorite bad movies of all time: Staying Alive. Oh what a steaming pile of 80s crap this is and I, for one, can't get enough. Sylvester Stallone outdid himself with this one. But for years, I must admit, I hid an internal struggle ... which was the superior good bad movie: Staying Alive or Grease 2? It's a tough call, admittedly, and I myself have gone back and forth between the two. Both have awesomely bad music. Grease 2 gave us such gems as "Do It For Our Country" and "Reproduction" (where does the pollen go?) and my personal favorite, "Cool Rider." Much of the music in Staying Alive was written by one Mr. Frank Stallone (who also had a small part in the film) and I have to say that since last night I've had "Far From Over" stuck on a continuous loop in my head. And I am continually amazed that Cynthia Rhodes (a.k.a. Mrs. Richard Marx) manages to perform "Finding Out the Hard Way" while crying. (We may never know if she was crying because her agent made her do this movie or if she is really just that good of an actor.) Both movies have craptacular dancing, and I must say that that those in Grease 2 are superior. The bowling scene? The sex-ed class scene? Both worthy of Fosse. The big dance number in Staying Alive was a broadway show called Satan's Alley and I must say, it want to make me tell whoever choreographed that crap to go to hell. (Sorry for the lame joke.)

So here's the rub: Both the music and the dancing were superior in Grease 2. (I'm not even going to comment on the acting, because, girl, please.) But I still find that Staying Alive is the better movie. And I feel I've finally figured out why: John Travolta. You see, both movies are sequels to blockbuster films (no, I didn't bother looking up whether or not they were truly blockbuster) starring The Travolta, but only one of them actually features The Travolta, and that, in and of itself, makes it the superior film. Would Look Who's Talking Too? have worked without The Travolta? Hell, no. There's no way Kirstie Alley could have carried that shit by herself, and that's the problem with Grease 2. Michelle Pfeffer is a fine actress and did the best she could, but with Maxwell Caufield there dragging her down, there was just no hope.

So folks, check your local listings for additional airings of Staying Alive on one of the 137 HBO channels. I dare you NOT to dance around your living room during the closing credits. "Strut!," indeed.

You make the joke!

2005-01-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

You know on Football games they sometimes have a "you make the call" piece where the viewer at home gets to play ref? Well after reading this story (and I so want to vacation there) there were just too many jokes for me to go with. So, our loyal (2 or 3) readers I challange you to snark duel!

Starting Over Conversation in the lunch room at my temp job

2005-01-10T13:32:00.000-05:00

Employee 1: What we watchin?

Employee 2: Starting Over

Employee 1: What they startin' over from?

Employee 3: They startin' over from being messed up.

Employee 1: Well at 12:30 we switchen over to Young and the Restless.

Employee 3: Is that the one that has Vampires on it?

Employee 1: There ain't no Vampires on it. It's good!

Employee 2: I was here first.

Employee 1: Give me some of your sandwhich and we'll keep it on this mess.

Employee 2: Are you serious?

Employee 1: No, I'm going to sit here and take a nap anyway. I don't care what we watch.

Tools of the Trade

2005-01-07T09:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Keeper sent me this article about a guy who's already in line to buy Star Wars Episode 3-Revenge of the Sith tickets. My first reaction of course is that this guy needs to get a life. I mean we all love the holy trilogy. From whinny Luke, to Princess Leah's baffling British accent that suddenly goes away, to Fat X-Wing Fighter Pilot - it's us kids of the 70's and 80's childhood in three flicks. But this douche is waiting for the crappy third installment of the prequel? Something's wrong.

I however have a theory. Remember the tobacco farmer who blocked traffic for days in the middle of DC? It's totally the same guy. They both have beards, they both seem to be able to brave the elements, they both seem to not need a toilet and they're both complete tools!

Oh, oh! Or maybe it's the Fat X-Wing Guy back for revenge! He's pissed that they blew him up after he was on screen for like five seconds. He's all "Dammit, I won that role fair and square for being the best Scottie (over 300 lbs.) at the 1975 Yuma Star Trek Convention. I'm going to get my 15 minutes if it takes me 30 years!" That's so who it is! With my sleuthing skills, it's a wonder I don't work for the FBI people.

I'm special too!

2005-01-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

Jason reached deep down inside of his soul (and quite possibly bowles) and drew a cartoon for yours truly too! Keeper can't have all the fun.

Reason #234 why NASCAR is so popular in this country

2005-01-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

I can't believe the toilet bowl cleaner warning won this year's Wackiest Warning lables contest. In my opinion, the hand's down winner is the digital thermometer warning about not putting it in your mouth after it has been in your ass. (unless of course you're into that kind of thing.)

Jason Is The Shit

2005-01-05T23:23:00.000-05:00

Jason drew me a cartoon because I asked him too. Isn't he awesome? Anyone who combines poop and Carott Top is a friend of mine.

Breaking News on yahoo.com

2005-01-05T13:46:00.000-05:00

Dude! If I was a six foot tall Victoria's Secret supermodel, I would not be engaged to the guy who sung Kiss From a Rose. What kind of shit pile song is that? I mean Crazy was ok but c'mon..plus what's the deal with the crap on his face?

Supermodel Heidi Klum, Seal Engaged

NEW YORK - German supermodel Heidi Klum and singer Seal are engaged to be married, Klum announced on her Web site.

"We affianced on a glacier in Whistler (Canada). We reached this beautiful place by helicopter one day before Christmas Eve. It was a unique experience," said a posting on Klum's Web site.
Whistler is a ski resort town in British Columbia.

Klum, 31, and Seal, 41, started dating last year, shortly after her breakup with Renault Formula One team boss Flavio Briatore, who is the father of her daughter, Leni, born in May.
Klum, who is a Victoria's Secret model and has appeared in Sports Illustrated magazine's swimsuit issue, separated from her husband of five years, celebrity hairstylist Ric Pipino, in November 2002.

Trash Talkin' Tsunami

2004-12-30T08:56:00.000-05:00

We're being serious for a moment here people. The devastation is incomprehensible but it's very easy to take a few minutes and donate some spare cash. If you don't know who to give to this link gives you options. Thanks.

Don't want to be an American Idiot

2004-12-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

I've been quite lackadaisical in posting stories of truth and triumph other wise known as "The Dumbest fucking thing some shithead American did."

Dog smashes truck into store

SPRINGDALE, Arkansas (AP) -- Michael Henson left the auto parts store with more problems than when he arrived. For that, he can thank his dog.

Henson, whose truck had been experiencing a sticking throttle, left his dog in the truck when he went into the O'Reilly Auto Parts store in Springdale on Sunday.

"He'd left the truck running -- I guess to show the people at O'Reilly's -- and the dog jumped over and knocked the truck into gear," police Sgt. Billy Turnbough said.
The truck raced into the building, stunning Henson and clerk Josh Hopper.
"The guy said he was standing there, looked up, and saw his dog driving his truck through the building," Turnbough said.

Hopper said he heard the crash and looked up from the transaction.
"His truck was in the window," Hopper said. "I thought, 'Oh no.' Everybody was fine. His front left tire just made it onto the brick wall."
No one was hurt and no citations were issued, police said.

Sidenote: Later tests revealed the dog was in fact drunk and has since hired Alan Dershowitz to represent him on episode #5569 of Judge Judy titled "Forget the bone, Give that Dog a 40 - Joy Ride to Nowhere."

Politically incorrect word of the day

2004-12-27T15:44:00.000-05:00

Fucktard (n.) from the english words "fuck" and "retard."

Combination curse words are a fresh and creative way to express one's displeasure at the world around you.

For instance, "My fucktard landlord left for vacation the day the boiler went up leaving me with no goddamn heat." (and for added emphasis) "Which fucking sucks because it's fucking 19 degrees outside."

Things I'm doing today while working answering phones that aren't ringing

2004-12-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

-noticing just how dry the skin on my butt and legs are

-fixating on my impending cramps

-obsessively checking my three email accounts only to discover I can get a good rate on a visa gold card, win a sony playstation by clicking "here", my grandmother likes to forward me things with fuzzy pink animals hugging each other, and my headhunter wants me to attend a party to introduce me to a new headhunter instead of an actual job.

-staring at the bag of half eaten carrots I have while thinking about which cubes could contain leftover Christmas chocolate.

-being cold

-getting hit on by mailroom temp while mentioning my "boyfriend" since I don't want to deal with gay questions today.

-realizing vanilla handcream makes you smell like a virgin pina colada.

-checking every club's website to see who's coming there even though I hardly go to shows anymore.

-forcing a smile whenever someone looks at me.

-picking dog/cat hair off my fleece.

-looking at the carrots some more.

-trying to find new joints to crack.

Muscle bound corruption

2004-12-22T14:07:00.000-05:00

Part of my job as temp-bitch is to forward e-faxes along to the person they're suppose to go to. I keep having to send some to a woman named Sara O'Connor except everytime I see her name I have Arnold Schwarzenegger in my head saying "Saaaraaa Chauhnor" like he did in the Terminator. I haven't seen that movie in forever. My brain must be getting back at me for smoking too much weed in college.

So blankety blank in need of sugar I'm eating a Goddamn candycane

2004-12-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

There was a lone rolo up here in my temp-receptionist space but the girl who relieved me for lunch must of eaten it. It's really hard to be cheery when you're going on four hours of sleep due to the fact that a) people can't friggin' drive when the weather is less than perfect and b) your team quite possibly blew their playoff chances last night so when you did sleep you had messed up football dreams.

I'm down to the handle part of the candy cane. I wonder if I put one end in my my mouth and let the other end go up my nose people would think twice about asking me questions I don't know the answer to. Well I would have minty mucus. mmm, minty mucus.

It's no longer up my nose since it's hard to answer the phone that way. Now I'm chewing it and the minty goodness is sticking to my fillings. I hope I don't end up yanking them out because I don't have any dental insurance. "Sorry mom I charged 689 dollars to your credit card cause i ate a stale candy cane and needed an emergency filling." But I guess if that happens I should put it on my credit card...screw it. It's the season of giving, and sheer stupidity should count for something.

do things, do things, do bad things with it

2004-12-17T09:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Mark Burnett & Donald Trump,

Apprentice 1 was awesome, awesome, awesome. Apprentice 2 sucked elephant balls. Please make neccessary adjustments before Apprentice 3 starts, even though I won't be watching.

Hugs and kisses,
Keepergirl

P.S. You should have hired Pamela. Also, please give Carolyn her own show.

I'm the Illest Motherfucker from here to Gardinia

2004-12-13T16:39:00.000-05:00

Why VH-1 Classic, why?! Why did you play The Beastie Boys - So, Whacha Want. I'm not that old am I? Didn't I just bounce off the walls of my dorm to that one while drinking 40's with my roommate? That did happen last week, or was it 12 years ago? I can't remember. I think the entire family of VH-1 channels are here as a reflective tool. They're all a bunch of shows going "do you remember the night when." and "douge youu remember when..." and "you sucked so bad when you ate that rotten turnip." I'm just going to stick to watching Racheal Ray. She doesn't make me feel old, only mildly irritated.

Just not interested in that apple

2004-12-10T15:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry apple, but I'm just not interested in eating you. This time of year your fiber rich goodness is overshadowed by buckets of chocolate and Christmas cookies. Perhaps if you were baked in a delectable pie crust or even drenched in carmel I'd find you more appealing..ha! get it? Appealing! I'm sorry I know this isn't the time to be joking but dammit apple, you make it so easy! But I digress and I'll let you rest..in the bottom of my backpack.

Big Dumb Stupid Vh-1 in '04

2004-12-08T21:27:00.000-05:00

I tried to watch the VH-1 Big in '04 awards the other night. But even the few minutes I managed to watch were complete and utter crap. How is this an awards show? Basically they tried to take their usual shows (list shows, pop culture discussion shows) and tried to make them into an awards show. And it didn't work. Vh-1 loves their discussion shows and their countdown shows. I mean I loved I Love the 70s, 80s, 90s. I even love the weekly recap they do called Best Week Ever. Actually, shows like that are my frickin' dream job. But why try to name what pop-culture crapfest is the BIGGEST of the year. Stupid.

But I did see one wonderful, terrifying thing from VH-1 Big in '04: Brigiette Nielson, Flavor Flav, and Anna Nicole Smith sharing the same stage. Whomever coordinated that train wreck is a motherfucking genius. And then I learned one more wonderful, terrifying thing: VH-1 has given Brigitte Nielson and Flavor Flav their own reality show, (a spin-off from The Surreal Life it would seem) that begins airing in January. I think it's called Strange Love. Oh my. I totally need help, because I WILL WATCH THIS SHOW. I have a sickness.

In a related note, what does it say about me that I like a good number of the songs from the 20 Most Awesomely Bad Songs of 2004? In my defense, I do like them because they are bad. Yeah, that's it!

Kinsey - A Laugh Riot Through and Through

2004-11-30T10:43:00.000-05:00

At least according to the people in the row in front of me.

After ingesting a lot of turkey, carbs and daytime TV, Keeper, Twiz-Keeperfriend Tracie and I headed to large Mill-owned shopping area to get out of the house for a bit. I felt like I need to see a movie that would make me think since the only use my brain had in the previous couple days was to mathematically figure out how much turkey and brisket could be laid on top of a pile of mashed potatoes without toppling over.

Amazingly we found a parking spot amongst the parking carnage relatively quickly and headed into the suburban wonderland of commerce and screaming children. Not to get ahead of myself, but Kinsey is a very interesting film about the life and work of Dr. Alpherd Kinsey. You may remember him from such things as the Kinsey scale (how gay or straight are you on a scale of 1-6. Go!) and some thick volumes of male and female sexuality.

Now granted when talking about sex, some things are funny but the people in front of me came ready to laugh. Every time a penis was mentioned, shown or joked about it, they howled like they were watching George Carlin perform in 1972, baked out of their gourd. Stay home and watch a Hard Bodies marathon people! And to boot I also had a spattering of "ohhhh" ers seated in front and behind us. You know the types. Every time something kind of sad or shocking is presented they feel the need to express them self with "ohhh," "mmmphh," and "hmmmm." So annoying!

Anyway. Go see Kinsey. It's a lot better than most of the crap out there. But if you can, avoid seeing it anywhere near a Wal-Mart.

dammit Fox! I'm a nanny not an idol!

2004-11-25T13:59:00.000-05:00

All day yesterday I was looking forward to the end of the day, not just because it was the last day before a four-day weekend, or because I knew that the office would probably close an hour or two early. No, I was looking forward to the end of the day because it was Wednesday, and Wednesday evenings means Nanny 911.

So imagine my disappointment when I tuned into FOX at 8:59 PM and discovered .... something that was not Nanny 911. Say what? It was some American Idol Christmas special. So instead of watching my beloved British nannies whip some American brats and their dumbass parents into shape, I composed the following letter.

Dear FOX executives (and when I say "dear," I don't really mean it),

I must say I was quite disappointed when, without warning, you pulled Nanny 911 in order to air the American Idol Christmas CrapFest. I have nothing against those darned American idols, but really, your reasoning was all off. This is Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Granted, I didn't watch the special, but I don't think they were singing songs about turkey and football. Also, that show was probably taped months ago, and I have enough trouble getting into Christmas music without knowing it is being recorded sometime around the Fourth of July. C'mon, people, I like Kelly Clarkson as much as the next person (okay, maybe a little bit more) but our American children don't need another pop star singing "standards!" They need manners! They need guidence! They need structure! They need the goddamn nannies!

Please don't do this to me again.
Best (Thanksgiving) Wishes,
Keepergirl

Cheesus Christ

2004-11-16T13:27:00.000-05:00

Here at TTR we respect the rights of all Americans to act as they will and be themselves so we have something to talk shit about. Upon reading an article on cnn.com entitled "eBay Pulls Virgin Mary Sandwich," we realized this country and its inhabitants are even more retarded than the last election would prove. Here's an excerpt from the article.

MIAMI, Florida (AP) -- The people at eBay were no believers in this cheesy miracle: half of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich whose owner claimed it bore the image of the Virgin Mary.
Diana Duyser put the sandwich up for sale last week, drawing bids as high as $22,000 before eBay pulled the item Sunday night. The page was viewed nearly 100,000 times before being taken down.

Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread. She put the sandwich in a clear plastic box with cotton balls and kept it on her night stand.
At first, she was scared by the image, "but now that I realize how unique it is, I wanted to share it with the world," Duyser said.
The sandwich, she added, has never sprouted a spore of mold.

Based on this fine slice of Americana, I'd like to start a new, possibly weekly segment called "The Dumbest Fucking thing I've seen some Shithead American do." Contributions are welcome and suggested. So bring us your tired, your hungry, your poor fuckwits yearning to prove just how asinine this country is.

Call me craisin

2004-11-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

After a few days of rocking back and forth reciting the lyrics to "Don't worry be Happy" while clutching a bottle of Bourbon, I decided I should fixate on something other than the election. On most Friday nights, I take in an episode or two of Rachael Ray's 40 Dollars a Day. Keeper has gone off about her before (in fact she did about RR's new spectacle of a show - Inside Dish, in her previous post).

But last Thursday Twizfriend - Aleka and I wasted a full hour of our lives that we can never get back watching Rachael Ray's Thanksgiving in 60 minutes. First off, the woman has some sort of apple fetish, because she ruined perfectly good stuffing and green beans with them. But then she made this horrible looking pumpkin soup (eww) and put goddamn craisins in the middle of it. Craisins! Aleka was unfamiliar with the helacious little dried cranberries (why don't they just call them dried cranberries?) called craisins. So I spent the last few minutes of the show explaining them to her. I don't really have a problem with craisins I just don't like it when Ocean Spray decides to get fucking cute with their products by bastardizing the good name of raisins.

Anyway, for a shear spectacle of goofiness combined with one hot bitch check out any Rachael Ray show on Food Network. And just try to change the channel. I dare you!

Dishes that are old and chipped and need to be replaced

2004-11-14T11:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, so you're standing in the middle of your living room, chatting with friends and enjoying a lovely, cool, carbondated beverage of your choice. Suddenly, your pants fall down around your ankles. While you are standing there, trying to maintain your dignity, pretending that nothing has happened, you take a drink of your beverage. Perhaps it is soda. At that moment, also, one of your friends says something hysterical, causing you to laugh at the same time you are swallowing. You choke a little on your lovely, cool, carbonated beverage, and some of it comes out your nose, making it burn.

That is what watching Rachael Ray's Inside Dish show is like: embarrasing and painful.

we're worried!

2004-11-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

After the election fiasco of 2004 the Trash Talkin' Rodeo went dark because we were too depressed to do anything except eat ice cream and watch The Daily Show. (Help us, Obi-Wan Jon Stewart! You're our only hope!) We'll try to back with some funny if either of us gets off our Democrat butts and experiences some pop culture. But for now, we're worried about our friend and fellow trash-talker Jason of Pancake City. Pancake City was full of political knowledge and funny jokes that we could steal, but the site has been down for several days, and we're worried that Jason is in a cocoon somewhere, weeping quietly and writing obsessive letters to the aforementioned Jon Stewart. "Jason are you okay?/Are you okay, Jason?/ Jason, are you okay?/Are you okay, Jason?/You've been hit by/You've been struck by/A smooth Republican!"

Are you gay? Thank you for calling.

2004-10-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

Keeper said I should write this one up after seeing a bullet pointed gay help page on Google.

Thank you for calling the Gay, Lesbian and questioning hotline. If you feel different from most press one now. (beep) You've acknowledged that you feel different from most. If you're male and know if you're a summer or winter press one now. If you're female and enjoy tennis press two now, golf press three, hockey press four, football press five, if all apply press six. If you're still listening to this message and like touching boobies press seven. If you're male and like touching boobies that have a penis growing near them press eight. (beep) You've pressed seven. If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one (beep)

Congratulations! You're not gay but are in fact an exhibitionist, to return to main menu press one, to go back press two (beep) If you like touching your own boobies in public to blaring techno music press one, if you prefer to be touching Drew Carrey's boobies press two, if you prefer to be touching another woman's boobies in the dark while not wearing clothes press three (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Congratulations! You're a lesbian. There have been many lesbians throughout time and not all have bad haircuts. Luckily the American Psychological Association decided in 1970 that being gay doesn't necessarily mean you're dysfunctional. However being a lesbian can guarantee some dysfunction in future relationships with psycho bitches, for more on dealing with psycho bitches press 17. Anyway, you're one of the ten percent of woman who prefer the hole to the pole. For more on hole maintenance press 9. To start over press 4. To speak to someone who can give you far more answers than these generalizations press zero now. To end this call press 6 or hang up now. (beep)

Thank you for acknowledging that you're a big queermo,we wish you luck in navigating through the straight world and if you live in the following states SouthCarolina, Alabama, Kentucky or Utah run to the nearest Greyhound station and get your gay ass on a bus to NewYork.

Team America, Fuck Nah!

2004-10-26T12:51:00.000-05:00

So I saw Team America: World Police this past weekend and I would really like to tell Trey Parker and Matt Stone that I am "very disappointed in you two young men." This movie was, in a word, boring.

I'm a pretty big fan of Parker and Stone's work. I enjoy South Park and thought the South Park movie was fucking brilliant. I've even seen Orgazmo for Christ's sake! I went into this movie with high expectations of laughing my ass off while the boys made fun of action movies, super-ultra-patriots, and America's current attitude towards "stomping out terrorism." Instead, the prevailing joke seemed to be: "Look how funny puppets are! When they look funny walking! And aren't puppets funny when they curse and puke! And puppets are funny when they have sex! In funny puppet-sex positions! Puppets! Are! Funny!" And after about 10 minutes of this, puppets really do cease to be funny. I wasn't even particularly amused at the great, big giant dump they attempted to make all over certain Hollywood stars who fancy themselves as great political forces. For one thing, it wasn't funny. And for another, in today's society, more people recognize those Hollywood stars far more often than the great political thinkers of our time, so why not make fun of that? Because if I want to make fun of Hollywood stars, I can do that at home for free.

I was also a little disturbed because there were four or five kids in the audience (one of whom was sitting right in front of me) who all appeared under the age of 12. They were all there with adults, but still. Why is it, that for many people, puppets (or cartoons)=kid friendly? I don't get it. There was a lot of violence. Sure, it was of the puppet variety, but does that make it any less disturbing, when you really think about it?

All in all, folks, my opinion is that Parker and Stone phoned this one it. Too bad. Right now there is so much going on that's just begging for a good skewering, and they dropped the kabob stick. I will give them props, though, because the best scene of the movie involved two cats, and everyone knows that I loves me some cats!

I feel dirty, yet oddly entertained

2004-10-20T08:07:00.000-05:00

While puttering my apartment last night I flipped channels and found The Biggest Loser. It's yet another "competition" reality show where the participants compete to see who can lose the most weight. The contestants ranged from needs to lose 20 or 30 pounds to would rather swallow Jared whole than go on a subway diet.

The way it works is there's a red team and a blue team and whichever team is "The Biggest Loser" wins for the week. Each team is given some hard body personal trainer who regulates their diet and exercise. But the kicker is that the thing is hosted by Carolyn Rhea. I don't know what rock they dug her up from (and I honestly don't know how I know who she is.) but she's awfully close in weight to some of the contestants.

The show overall managed to not be as exploitive as it could have been, although in the beginning all the contestants had to get weighed in their bathing suits. (I put down that last Triscuit during this part.) And one cruel segment did have them come down for breakfast to find a whole table full of eggs, pancakes, sausage and bacon. And it kind of sucks that someone has to be kicked out of the house each week, left to run wild down the neon arch lined boulevard of life. But in this Dr. Phil world of baring your demons for a national television audience what do you expect on a Tuesday night?

I should have just listened to the radio until Scrubs came on.

Best Line From a TV Sitcom Ever (at least until another one strikes my fancy)

2004-10-19T20:44:00.000-05:00

"People are bastard-covered bastards with bastard filling."

I can't believe sometimes I forget to watch Scrubs. It is my new favorite TV show. (At least until The Amazing Race starts up again. Or Six Feet Under.) People, why didn't any of you start calling and reminding me to watch Scrubs? It's taken me this long to remember to watch it every week. Well, every week for the past two weeks, which is really no sort of record or anything. But this show is funny with a capital FUN. Don't be as stupid as me. Go watch it now.

My Thoughts on Last Night's Debate by Keepergirl

2004-10-14T12:21:00.000-05:00

stupid ass motherfucking cock smoking idiot condescending bitch ass punk fuckers goddamn self-congratulating boring ass tit sucking gay bashing women hating flip-flopping (yeah, i said it) fucking fucker lying liar son of a whore asshat redundant winking wired drooling (literally) name dropping big word usin' dick cheney puppets ketchup loving coke snortin freakin dumbasses apparently think i am an idiot. maybe i am, but i am an idiot that VOTES.

i'm so annoyed and angry i can't even curse creatively. goddammmit.

The debates are kinda like watching a Ravens game

2004-10-14T10:18:00.000-05:00

I get to stand up and yell and curse at the TV. Plus there's a pre-game and post game show. Keeper, Means and I watched last night. We were heavily distracted through most of it by the foaming glob of goo in the corner of Bush's mouth (that's the lyin' saying "howdy").

But here's a good read and debate analysis.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/blog/10/13/klein.blog/

Bette Midler has a big dick

2004-10-13T07:59:00.000-05:00

A couple nights ago I went with TwizMom to see Bette Midler. I'm not a huge fan plus the fact that evil Twiz-Ex liked her a lot, soured me on Bette. But TwizStepfather's Brother gave TwizMom a couple tickets and since TwizStepfather didn't want to go, I was the lucky one. (keeping the Twiz family lineage straight?)

Now the Twiz family lives in a mostly Jewish area and before we had taken our seats, TwizMom saw about half the neighborhood. (the Tribe loves them some Bette Midler). I saw a bunch of Gay people too (the Gays obviously love Bette Midler). Being Gay and Jewish, I fit right in.

Overall the show was really entertaining. Bette went off on the current administration ("Cheney's website is gofuckyourself.org"), Britney Spear's marriage (A tune called the Britney Bunch about a family of back-up dancers) , Viagra spam mail ("Like my dick isn't big enough."), and she did a really good tribute to Rosemary Clooney. I could have done without some of the slow sappy songs but TwizMom seemed to like them so that's ok.

Keeper said I was a pussy if I cried at Wind Beneath my Wings but I managed to keep it together so I guess I'm still a stone cold Bizaytch.

Fallon Off My TV

2004-10-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

So I was watching Saturday Night Live last night, thinking that it was actually pretty funny. Queen Latifah was the host, and they did some funny stuff with the debates and Martha Stewart, and one of the funniest fake commercials I have seen in years (for Exederan for Racial Tension Headaches.) I was thinking how much better the show is now that it's not The Jimmy Fallon Show. Then I heard the promo for next week: The Best of Jimmy Fallon.

Sigh.

I would have been more informed watching the Queer Eye Rerun

2004-10-06T08:02:00.000-05:00

From Urbandictionary.com

debate n. an arena where people with opposing views go to hit each other with pillows. These arenas, which are padded and full of fun obstacles, are constructed so that a person who feels very strongly about some issue may seek out a counterpart who disagrees just as strongly and then they can swat each other with heavy pillows. Some political debates are taxpayer-funded because everyone benefits one way or another, either through watching folks (often pompous fat men) engage in spirited pillow fights or through the eventual reduction in overbearing attempts to legislate other people's behavior. After a good debate, the two dueling parties are encouraged to sit down together and have a nice cool smoothie.

So last night Pancake City came over with a sixer of Yingling and we watched the VP (I'll be he grinds his teeth in his sleep) square off against Mr. FakeSmileMan aka John Edwards. Pancake is a lot more into politics than I am so if I were you, I'd go over to his site for actual content analysis. It was the usual political slop.

Iraq situation under control

Iraq situation not under control

Many new US jobs

Not so many new US jobs

Marriage is between a man and a woman

Yep

I kind of woke up and smelt the hypocrisy at that point, or maybe it was my dog farting cause the hypocrisy was thick like Cheney's neck from the beginning. And speaking of Cheney, his big dyke Mark Hamil looking daughter came out at the end looking fresh from a makeover. She even had the same hairdo as Mom. Awww. Edwards wife and kids came out too and I couldn't help but keep my eyes on the Badonka Donk Donk. At least Edwards and I have that in common, we like women with a little junk in the trunk. Tasty.

Friday, roundtable with Bush and Kerry. But it's on at the same time as $40 Dollars a Day so that'll be a toss up.

Rachael Ray's Block Party in My Pants

2004-10-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, so just about anyone who knows me knows that I am a fan of Rachael Ray. And a few people who know that I am a fan of Rachael Ray know that I am a fan less because of the food she cooks and more because she is about 17 kinds of hot. And now that Martha is on her way to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison somewhere in West Virginia, Rachael Ray is poised to become the new Queen of the Food Network. She already had two shows, 30 Minute Meals (now shown two times per day since it seems FoodTV won't show Martha's show while she's in the clink. Style Network is not so classy.) and $40 A Day, and has a new one starting soon where she hangs out with celebrities. (No, I don't know what it is called because whenever I see the commercial for it I am too busy staring at her boobies.)

Rachael Ray can cook. Rachael Ray has a little junk in the trunk, which I like. Sometimes on her shows, Rachael Ray wears a tank top. Rachael Ray has a great smile and a way of sometimes looking out from under her eyebrows that is very hot mama. (Check the picture on her Food Network bio page linked above for any example of this.) And Rachael Ray likes to eat, which is a quality I admire in women (and no, not in any sort of gross and perverted way. I just mean that skinny women who eat nothing but salads and air are annoying. Probably because they are hungry. But I digress.)

So it's no surprise that I settled in on my couch is past Sunday night to watch Rachael Ray's Block Party. And in this show, there were many examples of why Rachael Ray bugs the everlovin', godfearin', all-holy-hell of of me. Besides the constant use of the abbreviation EVOO for Extra Virgin Olive Oil (which in and of itself is not annoying, until, in her next breath, she explains that EVOO stands for Extra Virgin Olive Oil, which kind of defeats the purpose of an abbreviation) and the constant giggle giggle giggle. No, what really got to me in this particular show is that Rachael Ray was coming off as some sort of sexist. No, really. There was a whole segment about grilling these mini-hamburgers, and she kept talking about how the men got the grill ready for her. Then she proceeded to tell all these men how she doesn't even like to grill because it makes her smell like jerky. And that would have been okay, but she firmly stepped in it when she said that all women don't want to grill for that reason, but the men can grill because men smell good when they smell like jerky. WTF? This is a woman that, on an episode of 30 Minute Meals just the other day said that she uses so much garlic that she always smells like Italian sausage and that she's lucky she has a boyfriend who likes that. Also, she did several segments of the Block Party where she was cooking with kids (because this show is part of the Food Network's Cook With Your Kids week, which I would totally participate in, but my cat doesn't have opposable thumbs.) During one segment, she was making lemonade with these two girls (and totally making them do the hard part, which is squeezing the lemons) and when they told her they were in junior high, she was all oooh, I bet you like boys and have boyfriends and like to kiss the boys and aren't I like your cool aunt Rachael talking to you about that boy in your history class that is just soooooo cute! and when one of them said she didn't because she thought they were immature and obnoxious (which, as I remember, many boys of that age are) Rachael just dismissed it with an oh, that will change soon. Rach! Teenage pregnancy rates are sky-high! Let that girl hate boys for awhile! Plus, whenever she does segments with boys, she tells them how knowing how to cook will help them get chicks later on. Good job, Rach! Show those young impressionable boys how to mack! Jeez.

So the lesson here, kids, is this: girls who smell like jerky=bad, but girls who smell like Italian sausage=good. And yes, Rachael Ray is hot. Maybe I'll start utilizing the "mute" button on my remote control a little more often.

P.S. Rachael Ray, if you are reading this, I didn't mean anything I said above, except for the parts where I say you are pretty and please feel free to call or email anytime.

Raven idiot

2004-10-05T08:10:00.000-05:00

I know this is mainly about pop culture events and such but, C'MON RAVENS WTF? You got beat by an 0-3 team. Jeesh!

But in a less serious note than the NFL, tonight is the first and only Vice Presidential debate. Pancake City and I will be watching this one together. So, I won't feel so pathetic doing beer bongs by myself (and it is recommened that you don't watch these things too sober.) More tomorrow.

13 Going on Grossing Me Out

2004-09-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

Well, Twiz, I respectfully disagree. I thought 13 Going On 30 was far superior to Vice Versa in the whole "adult-switching-bodies-with-child" genre. And not just because Jennifer Garner is just so darned cute. (And she played 13 quite well, I might add.) My problem with Vice Versa is that both Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold bug the ever-lovin' shit out of me. Freddie has been annoying ever since he played the whiny, complaining kid on The Wonder Years. The only role he's had that I didn't dislike was when he played "The Mole" in Austin Powers and that's just because everyone was making fun of him. "Moley! Moley! Moley!" And whenever I think of Judge Reinhold I just think of him as the guy who was masturbating while wearing a pirate uniform in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And who names their kid "Judge"? Maybe if I ever have kids I'll call them "Tax Attorney" and "Chief Executive Officer." (Or if I think they're going to be screw-ups, I'll call them "Crack Whore" and "Used-Car Salesperson.")

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, 13 Going on 30 ...

This movie was fine in a "watch it on cable" sort of way. Jennifer Garner was entertaining, as was Mark Ruffalo. And as always, I was digging the 80s references. But my main problem (and my problem with most of these types of movies) is that they are skeevy. The movie people can't just avoid the idea of a love-interest. In this movie, the 13 year-old girl in the 30 year-old body had to deal with a hockey-player boyfriend who likes to do stripteases to Ice, Ice Baby. Ew! Why not just leave that part of the movie out? Instead, they walk it right up to the totally icky point and stop there, leaving the audience just vaguely uncomfortable. It's been awhile since I've seen Freaky Friday (the 1976 original with Jodie Foster) but I think they managed to avoid the whole "child dealing with her mother's boyfriend issue" and STILL had a successful movie.

But other than the fact that I wanted to shower after watching it, 13 Going On 30 is still a fine, vaguely entertaining movie. The best parts about it? No Fred Savage and no Judge Reinhold. Suck on that, Twizler!

Big with Boobs

2004-09-29T12:33:00.000-05:00

Sunday night Keeper and I ordered 13 Going on 30 on pay-per view. She had a free coupon for a movie and it was rightfully used on 13. It was a pretty forgettable movie but that Jennifer Garner is just so darn cute! I pointed out to Keeper that there hadn't been a Child-to-Adult body switching flick in a while but then she mentioned Freaky Friday. Ok, got me there.

And speaking of the genre, everyone knows that Big is its king but I'd like to give a shout-out to the irreverently sardonic Vice Verse. If ever you are in the mood to see the beginning of one career and end of another in one flick, check it out. VV features a star making performance by Mr. Fred Savage and pretty much spelled the end of Judd Reingold's career. (Minus the stint on Seinfeld as personal space invading guy). In a gut splitting turn of events, an uptight executive is transplanted into the body of his 13 year and son and... vice-verse. Will the 13 year old in his father's body, boff his Dad's girlfriend? Will the unathletic father screw-up at ice hockey? You just don't know! Plus there's plenty of "hey it's that guy" moments where you'll see an actor that you've seen in a million different things but have no idea what there name is. (do a shot for every "hey it's that guy.")

So yeah, 13 Going on 30 is cute but it's no cinematic triumph like Vice Verse.

Be Ashamed! Be Very Ashamed!

2004-09-27T17:13:00.000-05:00

My sister told me a story this morning about watching her cat puke up a live ant, and that's what A Dirty Shame is like -- somewhat compelling in the oddness and the grossness, but eventually boring after you've seen the cat cough it up 50 times. While I would be all fascinated and grossed-out over the ant the first few times, after awhile, I would get bored and wander off. The same goes for this movie ... I would have wandered off about 45 minutes into it, but I'd paid eight bucks and still had some popcorn left, so I felt compelled to stay. There are only so many sex jokes and after you've heard them, you'd better find some new ones or at least start showing the sex, but Waters did neither. Perhaps that was the point. The "sex-cult" in the movie was searching for a brand-new sex act, and maybe Waters' point was that there are no new sex acts just like he ran out of gross sex jokes. I dunno.

I mean, I know Waters is all about the gross-out humor and less about high-art, or, dare I say, PLOT. But he toys with us by hinting a little at the stuff that would really piss off some people, namely fashioning his sex-crazed cult after Jesus and the Apostles, but just when you think, "Hot damn! Won't this get Falwell's panties in a wad!" Waters pretty much drops the comparasion like frozen poop falling from a plane. And I'm not just creating a simile there, folks. Ew.

So I guess the point I'm trying to make (which has put on its ramblin' boots and rambled all over this page) is that Mr. Waters has either already climaxed when it comes to original gross-out humor, and all we are getting here is the stuff that ran down his thigh, OR he's getting softer and mellower as he gets older, and is backing away from the truly outrageous. I mean, in Pink Flamingos, Divine ate REAL poop. Here, some computer generated poop falls on someone's head. Moving in the wrong direction, don't you think?

A dirty shame I didn't see a different movie

2004-09-27T12:52:00.000-05:00

On Saturday Keeper and I traveled not so far away from Twiz Mom's house to see the new John Waters film A Dirty Shame. Peter Travers, reviewer extraordinaire from Rolling Stone described it as "Wicked, kinky fun." Yeah, like watching old women shop for knee-highs is wicked kinky fun (although I'm sure there's some fetish for that). Now granted, I usually enjoy John Waters films, I have to be in the mood for them but when I am, I like them. And after spending Friday night and Saturday night at respective Twiz family households to celebrate Yom Kippur I was in the mood for some wicked, kinky fun.

I should have stayed home and watched ancient Newlywed Game episodes on GSN.

ADS was playing at the Senator which is one of my favorite movie houses to go to. The popcorn is still served in those oversized buckets and the crowd was chock-full o' homos and soccer moms which led to plenty of pre-show snark. Keeper noted that the shrunken looking woman behind us was probably going to be a loud laugher. Old Chinese proverb break -It's always the fucked up looking little ones who belly laugh the loudest- unknown

Overall there were some funny Balto-centric things like the DC Yuppies who move there for the kitsch value and Tracie Ullman picking up a water bottle with her cooter. That was worth a good $3.75 but for the remaining $4.25 I spent (actually Keeper spent) would have been better off with a pint.

For vintage fun Waters check out Female Trouble and Desperate Living (if you've ever wanted to see a 500 pound black woman get it on with a skinny white woman this is the film for you). Hairspray is his big mainstream film that's rather good. And for decent 90's Waters see Serial Mom and Pecker.